Stern Moves on and Leaves Me with Roth

I knew it was coming. Ever since summertime, the folks on the Howard Stern show have been making plans, packing up, and getting ready to move on to a new frontier: sattellite radio. The show ended, they played some "Best of" and then they were gone. I toyed with the idea of following them, but right now, I just can't afford another subscription to something. Maybe once we sell our house, I'll treat myself. But until then, I'll try to make do with terrestrial radio.

I started listening to Howard Stern in 1994. I had just finished college and was working the midnight shift at Haines & Company, basically typing the phone book. When I got off work at 7:00 a.m. and got into my car, I was just a bit too amped to listen to NPR's Morining Edition, my previous morning favorite. So, on the recommendation of Madame E, I gave Howard a chance and have been a habitual listener ever since.

You can say what you want about Howard Stern, but I liked him. I liked the way he thought about things, I liked his celebrity interviews (he never let anyone off the hook for stupid stuff they did or said), I liked him when he talked about or to his family, I liked the way he interacted with his on-air colleagues and his office staff. I didn't so much care for the strippers and porno talk. When the disgusting stuff was the topic of the day, I turned my dial back to good old Morning Edition.

So, now he's gone. Today he starts on sattellite radio and this is the first milestone he's passed in eleven years that I haven't witnessed. Instead, I tune my radio to WNCX 98.5 and listen with trepidation to David Lee Roth and hope against hope that I will hear something interesting. I've been tuning in to the DLR show for about two weeks now, and one thing's for certain: He's still bitter about being cut from Van Halen.

I want to like him. I want to be able to have an entertaining commute into work each morning. I need to be shocked awake. The most shocking thing I've learned while listening to the DLR show is this: DLR and Rush Limbaugh are not too far removed from each other.

1. They both believe they hold the moral high ground.
2. They both drive their show with a "topic of the day" format (Today's topic on DLR: If Rock bands play live, should they or should they not use pre-recorded vocals and music to enhance their performanzzzzzzzz)
3. They both surround themselves with subordinants, who seem to be smart, but are non-threatening to their host. DLR has a Robin sidekick, like Howard, but she doesn't have 1/10th of Robin's knowledge, professionalism, sense of humor, sense of hubris, or her melodious voice and laugh.
4. I believe they are both right-wingers, though I'm not so certain about Rush.

So, I'm kind of bummed out today. Howard has moved on and left me behind. I'm sorry that Cleveland got stuck with DLR and didn't have the chance to hear Adam Corrolla, who has taken over for Howard on the West Coast. At least Adam is funny. Sigh.

You may wonder why I haven't just gone with a local Morning Zoo on another station. Well, I tried. Ever since Howard announced the move, I scanned the dial during the long commercial breaks looking for a replacement. Know what I found? Crap. Unapologetic crap. Everything sucks, except for Morning Edition, and that still sucks a little bit because the hosts are just too serious and speak too soothingly; it makes me want to crawl back into bed.

For now, I probably will continue to listen to the DLR show. I need someone to piss me off in the morning in order to get my eyes open and my blood pumping and he'll do for saying crap like this: "Roth said he's excited to get the morning show audience riled up 'cause that's how he gets out of bed - 'like a pop tart! Pow! Like a Tomahawk missile! Boom!' (punctuated with emphatic arm movements)", as reported by The Roth Army (also another reason for HATE; any two bit celebrity with an "army" can bite my shiny metal ass). But you can bet your bottom dollar, I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind, and I'll have sattellite radio as soon as I sort all of this financial madness out. Until then, I'm just a gigilo...