Thursday, December 23, 2010

Uncle Ralph Chimes In: Merry Christmas, Goddammit!

As you know, I'm an old softie. I appreciate the little things in life and for me, Christmas is all about the little things. It's all about babies and children and cookies. It's about saying please and thank you and Merry Christmas. It's about cherishing.

So let's stop for a second and think: How can we cherish? You probably don't know the answer for this, do you. Do you even know what "cherish" means, Johnny? It means to hold someone dear and to keep them fondly in your mind. It means take your eyes off your goddamned phone when I'm talking to you. It means look around and behold.

We're not all a bunch of slicked down avatars wandering around a virtual world to serve your adventure. We are not stage dressing for your biopic. We are people with minds and hearts. We are all cut from the same cloth, regardless of our age, our color or whether or not we can stand to listen to Nickelplay or Coldback. We are all part of the human family. And for God's sake, we have to look out for each other. Because if we don't, the government will. I've lived long enough to promise you this: They'll fuck it up and you can take that to the Federal Reserve, sport.

You may think I'm a mean old coot and you'd be right. I don't suffer asshats. That is because I cherish. I am here to be a voice for life and courtesy. And I am cranky because you never listen. So do me a favor, chief. Stop virtually caring. Don't send me e-cards for my birthday. Don't invite me to be your "friend." I am already that.

So, sit down with me. Listen to my stories because I've lived a lot and learned the hard way. I can help you skip some major pitfalls. And, in return, I'll listen to you, if you could find it in your heart to stop ending your sentences with "yo." And you can remind me what it's like to be a kid. Because pretty soon, I won't be around anymore. And pretty soon, neither will you be. So why don't we call a truce and make this bus ride a bit less miserable.

Come on. I'll buy you a cookie.


  1. He should marry whats-her-face from the Hallmark cards. But he'd probably say, "Bah! What do I want some old bat for?" Or maybe I'm confusing what Uncle Ralph would say with what my Dad would say.

  2. A Merry Christmas to you, Uncle Ralph, and give my best to Flann, Doc, and the kids! Don't argue, just DO IT, dammit!

  3. "It means take your eyes off your goddamned phone when I'm talking to you."

    If I hadn't already loved you before, I would now. Thank you for saying this. Readers of CPW are about to receive a bitch slap like they've never received - I think this will be the subject of my first 2011 posting. It's one of the primary reasons I decided to quit FB.

  4. I'm glad to see you aren't disappearing entirely from the web, CP! And there are plenty more installments from Uncle Ralph, if you need any reference material.