No Longer a Baby, Not Yet a Toddler

Lucy turned a year old yesterday and I was thankful for the milestone. I had a realization while I was giving her a bottle that this task would soon no longer be required of me. I started to fret a bit. I noticed how much more like Riley she seemed; so much less a baby now. And then I began to really enjoy the way we are together at bottle time. My left arm cradling her, her right hand twisting a strand of her hair. Her legs tangled in mine and the weight of her resting on me. Pretty soon she won't want to snuggle quite as much. And she probably won't be all too interested in sitting quietly on my lap.

But then I begin to look ahead and see her running around, chasing the cat, chasing Riley. I looked forward to talking to her about the things that scared her or the things that lit her up. I was very relieved when Riley became a toddler and more independent. I am not as relieved for Lucy to make that transition. I know it is the last time I will probably spend so much time with a baby until I am a grandmother myself. I am less eager for the transition and desperate for it at the same time.

I am ready for regular bed times, sleeping through the night, reading stories, coloring, talking. But not quite as ready as the first time around. Shawn and I have seen to it that whimsy will not get the better of us and made it biologically impossible to have any more children. I'm both relieved and sad about that too. But it is probably for the best. I'm pretty exhausted most of the time as it is and as much of a joy it is to have an infant, it is more work for those of us already stretched too thin.

Someday, these two amazing little girls will be amazing young women. I can't wait for each new stage they approach. But I am now looking forward to those new stages with a new-found respect for the present. I don't want to squander these times by trying to rush them past like checking so many tasks off of a to do list.