People I'd Love to Shop With

Inspired by this post on The Sirmarco Letters...

Famous British Author, J.R.R. Tolkein

***

I would love to shop with J.R.R. because he has a classic sense of style and an enormous vocabulary he could apply when telling me whether my butt looked too big in those pants or if my tits looked great in this top. I believe he has a fine sense of humor and is a keen observer of human nature. I'd be glad to help him find a new vicuna coat. He'd be helpful when selecting holiday linens. I'd avoid his book recommendations, however.

***

We would wander around the Tinder Box and pick out pipe tobacco suitable for Hobbits. Perhaps we would admire the dragon statuary. Then we would take that first step of our adventure circumnavigating the mall. We would stop every half and hour or so for a snack. We would slog our way through Mordor...I mean Abercrombe and Fitch. We would visit Goldberry, who now works at Bath & Body Works. We would try to out maneuver Tom Bombadil, the security guard. At the end of our journey, we would feast at Steak Escape and swap tales of our glory. I would nag him to get to the point and he would beg me for more details. I'd try to get him to restart the Inklings, this time to include women. He'd grump that he's not interested. Then he'd call for Shadowfax and we'd ride home.