The First Annual Carlos Mencia Steal This Post! Call Me Mr. Tibbs...

Man! I am clearly having an identity crisis. Or am I? I don't feel misanthropic or needy. It's more like I can't get enough Diet Coke or feel enough good vibrations. Have I lost my mirth? Am I a lost soul? Or am I moping around? Who knows? Maybe it's that taste of freedom I'm getting now thinking about getting a tattoo on my ass. Whatever the case, I want to drink (fast) and play poker (hard) and get my kitchen remodeled (oh my), baby! Is that so wrong? Maybe I'll change my name to Zed. Hmm......

See the original here and the first rewrite here. Steal this post and re-write it to reflect your own sensibilities!