Hello, suckeroos... and suckerettes! We gotta brain to pick with you! We bet you think you've got this year all figured out. But me and Squig know different. So, without further ado we present: Stuff that's gonna happen this year.
We're all gonna be broke. But there's nothin' wrong with that. We've always been broke, right Squig? But that's what neighbors are for. Whenever you need something, just march down the steps, fling open their door, and ask them if you can borrow a cup of pork or something.
The entertainment word du jour for this year is "free" and "cheap." When you're tired of rolling balls down at the Pizza Bowl, why not just get together with your neighbors and play songs you wrote. You could use one of our songs, something like "Only Women Cry" or "So's Your Old Testament." The important thing is to drown your sorrows with your friends. This is good medicine and don't forget the beer. Remember what Mary Poppins told you: A case of Schatz beer is a spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down.
Walking is the new hybrid. You've got a battery and you've definately got gas. Take our advice and take a hike. There's more money for beer that way and you won't be wreckin' the ozone.
And there you have the news that's yet to be. Everything else is for you to know and me to find out!
Edited to add: Lines in italics (excluding this one) are Lenny and Squiggy lines from the show Laverne and Shirley. No plagiarism intended here, I just wanted to talk like them...