Everything I Need To Know I Learned From The John Tesh Radio Show

I've never really been a fan of radio. For the most part, I listened to NPR or Howard Stern. Since Howard went off the air, I don't listen to radio at all anymore, opting for books on tape instead. As far as I'm concerned, trying to listen to music on the radio is an exercise in agony. Radio stations rarely play the kind of music I like, they over advertise, and they hire the most inane idiots to talk me through the next Zep Set, give me their take on the whole "What's the deal with airline food, anyway?" spiel, and generally make me want to crash my car into the nearest pylon.

However, recently, I've discovered a radio show so amazing, I find myself thinking about tuning in on a regular basis. It is the eponymous John Tesh Radio Show. I know what you're thinking, what could this alien on earth and infotainer have to say that could hold the interest of an urban sophisticate such as myself?

Well, let me tell you. I first heard him interviewed on the Howard Stern show and found him to funny, interesting and a really good sport about everything that's ever been said about him. I find I end up having an extra affection for celebrities that hold up well under the interrogation of Howard; to me, it shows a great deal of grit and groundedness. Ever since then, I've ceased to be annoyed by his new age music and his squeaky clean image. But, for the most part, my life went on, relatively unconcerned with all things Tesh.

Until last week, that is. Doc and I were driving home from Madam E's house and decided to turn on the radio. Recently, the antenna on my car broke and I haven't yet replaced it. Therefore, the only station I can get in with any real clarity is, sadly, WHBC, the blandest radio station there has ever been in the history of time. Mariah, Elton, Sheryl, Rod, Mellancamp, Bon Jovi, the presence of whom drags down the cred of those artists they play that I do like such as Kelly Clarkson and Rob Thomas.

As it happens, we weren't treated to the song stylings of Celine Dion, as we switched on the dial. Rather we heard the enchanting voice of John Tesh and he was trying to teach us a lesson: Don't drive when you're tired. He must have spent a good five minutes extolling the virtues of getting some rest, even for 15 minutes instead of trying to power through behind the wheel. He also cautioned that driving while tired is as bad as driving drunk, which, he said, "I'm not going to talk about it, just don't do it."

For some reason, this advice filled us with mirth. We both were kind of staring alternately at each other and the radio in amased amusement. We giggled and continued on our way, as some bland, gray pop replaced John Tesh's voice. When he came back on, he started right back in with the importance of washing your hands and advice on handwashing technique. Apparently this is a regular feature of his show called "Intelligence for Your Life". Intelligence? Really, it's like radio for morons.

Doc and I entertained ourselves by inventing our own nuggets of wisdom:

• Make sure when firing a gun, you point the gun at the target, not at your head or the head of a loved one.
• Shoes are important. They protect your feet from dangerous detrious and they protect others from the potentially deadly odors your feet may emit.
• Doors and their handles: a blueprint for entrance and egress.
• How to flush.

Honestly, it's such a refreshing delight. It is irony-free and full of good intentions. Seriously, it's like a hygene film from the 50's, which I love beyond all reason. And really, he's doing us all a service. Just think of the poor morons who may listen and reflect upon his advice, thinking, "maybe it's not such a good idea to jump into a body of water when I'm not sure of its depth..." Perhaps they will think and make the wiser decision to grab a long stick and test the depth of the water, realize it's only four feet deep and smartly go in feet first instead of head first, all the while thinking, "God bless John Tesh and his Intelligence for my life."

Then again, perhaps Mr. Tesh is doing the gene pool a disservice...