Harrumph

Have you ever been so pissed off at someone that you were ready to dump them? Sure you have. We all have. I'm there right now with someone in my life. I've gone beyond Lake Annoyed. I've moved into Hatesville. Now I've left Hatesville and have settled into Apathiopolis. And now I know this relationship is doomed (don't worry Lodgemates: it's none of you, nor is it anyone in my family). I'm hurt, disappointed, demoralized, and worst of all: I'm not surprised.

It is time to pack my bandana full of canned goods, cheap booze, and cheroots and find myself a train to hop. Yes, I'll hop on the 4:15 cargo train to Anyplace Else, crack open a can of beans, have a swig of Old Englsih, light up a cheroot and position my iPod earbuds just so. Sigh. I can just see the scenary whizzing past as Morrisey croones..."Oh, the death of a disco dancer, well, I'd rather not get invovled...".

Yes, let's not get involved. Let's keep it on the surface. Let's not invest in one another. Let's skip the pain and move on to contemplative lonliness, greener pastures. From now on, I'm in charge. I will decide where and when and what to do. If we are going to find connections, let's make sure they're on even footing. I'll look after me, you'll look after you. If one of us needs help, we'll work that out. I'm not going all Objectivist on you. I'm just saying, let's not power trip, let's not guilt trip. I've got jet lag from all the fucking trips here recently.

I'm getting out from under the thumb if it's the last thing I do. God help me. God help you. I'll help you if you ask, but I won't contort myself. From this day forward: what you see is what you get. No more and no less. I won't try to predict what I can do to assist you. You are going to have to request aid. If you say nothing, I'll assume everything is A-OK. All the while humming, "...Nobody's gonna break-a my stride, nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no...I've got to keep a-moving..."

Don't feel sorry for me. Don't wonder if I'm off my nut. Don't tell me to hang tough, buck up, or soldier through. I know who I am, I know what I want. I'm not depressed, deranged, or demented. I'm determined. I am as Scarlett O'Hara, with my fist raised to the setting sun: "As God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!" I'm ready to do what must be done to get me and mine through this bloody war alive.

WARNING: If anyone leaves me a comment trying to cheer me up or pat me on the head, I'll delete it unapologetically.