It's Time To Start Thinking About Lent, People!

Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, is creeping up on us; it's overindulgence looming. It is one last hurrah before the dark and thoughtful days that stretch across the gloomy, winter landscape consume us, punish us and make us really think about what it means to be a Siamese Cat, not a mouse, or a grouse. Not a rat or a bat. No...wait. Sorry I've been reading the wrong book. Lent is about...thinkin about...what it means...to be...Christian! That's it. It is forty days, approximately, in the Wilderness.

I am looking forward to wandering in the Wilderness for a while. I need to pray more. I am ready to deprive myself and forward the proceeds to the needy. Well, I'm willing to deprive myself. I'm not sure that I'll have time to forward the proceeds. I am going to donate a ton of clothes, though, so that might even the balance a bit.

What I am planning to deprive myself of is Golden Crisp Potato Chips. These are a local delicacy unavailable anywhere else in the world, including Google Image Search. They are made from potatos, salt, vegetable oil, and sometimes lard. That is truly how the ingredients are listed on the bag. And let me tell you, Lay's potato chips have nothing on these little treats direct from Satan's workshop. I will give you this advice regarding Golden Crisps: it is far better for the sake of for your inner thighs to walk on by a bowl of these babies than to have even the tiniest taste, because you won't be able to stop.

I know I'll be able to give this up because I have a secret to surviving the suffering of Lent. Here it is: Whenever you feel like you just can't survive without a quick bite of chocolate or a puff on a cigarette, or a slug of beer, just stop and think of being crucified. Nothing that you are giving up could be as painful as that. Edited to add: Except maybe watching it in gruesome detail, MEL GIBSON.

What's off your plate?