It's Saturday Night...

You're eight years old. You are settling in to watch the Love Boat. You're wearing your new Christmas jammies (not Christmas themed, but something nice your aunt bought you) with your Underoos underneath. Your hair is still damp from the bath (It is Saturday night after all). Your best friend is sitting next to you; she/he's staying all night.

What snack are you eating?

Us? We're eating popcorn popped on the stove, sprinkled with Mary Jane's Crazy Salt and drinking grape Kool-aid. Oh, yeah!

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow We Die

Mrs. Wishy Washy has gained access to Social Zymurgy and has started bossing us all around. Every Sunday, Big Orange will channel her and demand we complete a writing exercise. Here is the first one from "Yoga for the Brain," number 160:

You have just finished writing your autobiography, which includes 10 different chapters. Write a title of each chapter in the book.

Here is the Table of Contents for my autobiography:

1. Look How Blonde My Hair Is!


2. Limelight Is My Favorite Color


3. Pushing the Envelope


4. Musical Me


5. Upwrite


6. Me and Sysiphus We Got A Good Thing Goin'


7. Now That We Are Alone, I Can Say This...


8. Friends in Low Places


9. Philosophy Pie


10. Recipes For My Potluck Wake

I encourage you to complete this exercise as well, but I'm not a ball-busting bitch like Mrs. Wishy Washy, so it is only a request. I'm interested to hear what you have to say. And, in the spirit of the Funeral Meme, that last chapter sparked an idea. I'd like to tap everyone's epicuriosity and ask you all, what hot dishes, finger foods, and desserts would you like people to bring to your wake? Here's mine:

• Sloppy joe's, of course, with white enriched hamburger buns
• Baked pasta, preferable rigatoni baked in a foil pan, with mozzerella and provolone melted to a crisp on top
• Green bean casserole, not my cup of tea, but unforgivable if missing from a wake buffett
• Broasted Chicken and jo-jo potatoes.
• Veggie tray
• Cheese and crackers
• Olive Garden Salad and breadsticks
• Devilled eggs, again, not my taste but people love making these things for wakes, so let them.
• Norcia's rolls and butter
• Pumpkin pie,
• Brownies (no nuts and sprinkled with powdered sugar)
• Chocolate cake

Party Planning Kit

Tomorrow is the big birthday party for the girls and I've got a million things to do. Fortunately, I have today off. By the way, is it wrong to have a celebration on Holy Saturday? It seems kind of blasphemous. Oh well.

It's time for a list:

1. Make coffee


2. Wake up Doc and Lucy


3. Get ready


4. Get a 32 ounce Diet Coke for me (perhaps with a splash of Go Ape energy drink)


5. Take the kids to Grandma and Pop's


6. Go to Target and get gifts for the girls


7. Go to Walmart and buy chips, pop, and beads for party activity, candy for pinata (mini Reese cups), replacement ink cartridge for photo printer...also get a few groceries


8. Order ice cream cake


9. Have lunch


10. Pick up the kids


11. Send Doc off to the Chiropractor


12. Clean kitchen


13. Dust living room


14. Send Doc off to work


15. Tidy the children's room


16. Tidy our room


17. Clean the bathrooms


18. Run the vaccuum


19. Have a beer with Elizabeth


20. Move the guest bed out of the play area in the basement


21. Set up kids tables in the basement


22. Bring in chairs from the deck


23. Bring up card table and chairs from the basement


24. Put the kids to bed


25. Have another drink


26. Wrap presents


27. Try to figure out how to accommodate 25 people, where to put the food


28. Set up activity areas for the kids


29. Welcome Doc home


30. Head over to the Tiki and drink some more


31. Fall into bed


32. Wake up at 7:30 a.m. with Riley


33. Fix breakfast


34. Make coffee


35. Wake Doc & Lucy


36. Take kids to get pictures made (therefore preserving the state of the house)


37. Return home by 1:00 p.m.


38. Put out plates, pop, chips


39. Set out activities at activity stations, stuff and hang pinata out on a frost-encrusted tree


40. Welcome guests at 2:00 (except for those early birds who will already be there)


41. Order pizza at 2:30


42. Eat at 3:10


43. Cake at 3:30


44. Presents at 3:45


45. Goodbye's to all at 4:00


46. Enlist the help of Mom, Grandma, and Elizabeth to do the dishes, i.e. throw the My Pretty Pony plates and cups in the trash


47. Have a drink


48. Play some poker


49. Welcome Doc home at 7:30


50. Pass out

Wish me luck!

I Feel A Poem Coming On

The Politics of Small Failure

--after Roy Bentley

We prepare good food to cook
We measure, mix, knead.
You and I work
To massage, coax, and cajole the flavor.

We make progress:
The many parts combine to something greater.
Through our small exhalations
We convince the cook-fire to rise.

We set the food to heat
And celebrate a bit.
We congratulate each other
On a job well begun and slug a beer.

We dish out tall tales
Of wonders created
In kitchens of glories past.
We laugh, reminisce, and dry our eyes on tea towels

Then we smell something,
A subtle acridity
Like the faint odor of
The rice beginning to burn.

My center of gravity drops with disappointment
As we salvage what remains
Of the rice that is not
Tainted with the taste of char

We serve the meal and smile ruefully,
Noting the flavor of our tiny failure
To not honor our inner clock
And check on the rice sooner.

But we carry on, convinced
That our good intentions to feed this army
Will carry us through
And that everyone will forget the error of our rice

But they won't.
They savor that smoke-damaged taste
And save the ruined pan
To hit us on the head with later.

Attention All Bacon Lovers

You knew it wouldn't be long unil all of the bacon buzz we've generated would influence the culture of mixology...

Presenting the Bacon Martini

"Lightly mist martini glass with vermouth, and rim the edge with bacon grease. In a cocktail shaker, mix 3oz vodka, one dash Tabasco, and one dash olive juice. Shake well and strain into cocktail glass. Skim excess bacon grease from surface of cocktail. Garnish with one slice of bacon."


Make mine a double! With a shot of maple syrup liquer on the side.

Today's Load Of Crap From A Fortune Cookie

This one is dedicated to Big Orange, who will belt out a big, sardonic gaffaw when he reads this turd nugget:

Don't be discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.

I've Just Had A Sudden Craving

It's Time To Start Thinking About Lent, People!

Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, is creeping up on us; it's overindulgence looming. It is one last hurrah before the dark and thoughtful days that stretch across the gloomy, winter landscape consume us, punish us and make us really think about what it means to be a Siamese Cat, not a mouse, or a grouse. Not a rat or a bat. No...wait. Sorry I've been reading the wrong book. Lent is about...thinkin about...what it means...to be...Christian! That's it. It is forty days, approximately, in the Wilderness.

I am looking forward to wandering in the Wilderness for a while. I need to pray more. I am ready to deprive myself and forward the proceeds to the needy. Well, I'm willing to deprive myself. I'm not sure that I'll have time to forward the proceeds. I am going to donate a ton of clothes, though, so that might even the balance a bit.

What I am planning to deprive myself of is Golden Crisp Potato Chips. These are a local delicacy unavailable anywhere else in the world, including Google Image Search. They are made from potatos, salt, vegetable oil, and sometimes lard. That is truly how the ingredients are listed on the bag. And let me tell you, Lay's potato chips have nothing on these little treats direct from Satan's workshop. I will give you this advice regarding Golden Crisps: it is far better for the sake of for your inner thighs to walk on by a bowl of these babies than to have even the tiniest taste, because you won't be able to stop.

I know I'll be able to give this up because I have a secret to surviving the suffering of Lent. Here it is: Whenever you feel like you just can't survive without a quick bite of chocolate or a puff on a cigarette, or a slug of beer, just stop and think of being crucified. Nothing that you are giving up could be as painful as that. Edited to add: Except maybe watching it in gruesome detail, MEL GIBSON.

What's off your plate?

Guilty Pleasure

Sausage McGriddle

This morning I had a doctor's appointment so that they could take my blood and make me generally uncomfortable, but in a nice way. I had to fast for twelve house to prepare for the blood tests they were planning to do. So, from 9:00 p.m. last night I couldn't drink or eat anything. I didn't mind skipping out on the snacks but I missed having a glass of water.

However, at 10:00 a.m. today, I wasn't so cool about the fasting. I was ready to go cannibal if I didn't get something to eat very soon. I had to get on the road and get to work and I needed something quick and easy. So I did something any desperate and time-crunched girl would do when under the influence of low blood sugar: I went to McDonald's and got a Sausage McGriddle and a large Diet Coke. If you're not familiar with this product, it is a sausage patty set between two maple-flavored pancakey buns. I know it sounds disgusting, but it is pure heaven. I know I'll pay for it later; I'm allergic to pork. But it was worth every stomach cramp I'm sure to suffer in order to savor that hot, greasy, salty, sweet treat.

I beg you, though: please don't tell anyone about this. Let's keep it our little secret.

What's A Housewife To Do?

I'm off work today in order to prepare for a "progressive dinner" tomorrow night and I have no idea what to prepare. We are all expected to make two drinks and finger foods. What do you recommend?

Random McNuggets

It's weird; I usually have a running opinion/commentary on life but I'm sitting here scratching my head wondering what to write about. Plenty happened at work this week, but I won't write about work here because it is not whimsical. I guess this will just happen to be a post that captures the little things from this week. And I'll do it in another color.

Random McNugget 1:
I have decide who will be eliminated in the next five weeks of American Idol and who will ultimately win:

• Next week: Carrie will leave.
• Then, Vonzell
• Then, Constantine
• Then, Scott
• Then, Anthony
• Leaving Bo as your next American Idol.

These are not just random offerings, there is a system that I have that is based on fanbases and the individual singing styles of the remaining contestants.

Random McNugget 2

Riley had fun dancing to Rossini's overtures last night. She is now interested in ballet and dance (even Hip Hop!) thanks to Zoe's Amazing Dance Moves video, featuring Paula Abdul. She even let me put her hair up, which is an unbelievable accomplishment.

Random McNugget 3

Lucy said Ta-da! after she did something that amused herself the other day. Very cute. She is also saying hello, as well as uh-oh, no, yum yum. I can't wait til she starts conversing in earnest. She also does this cute babbling that sounds something like "doodle doodle doodle doodle" but is more precise and cute.

Random McNugget 4

The other night, I was compelled to giggle at the current state of Shawn's hair. At first he didn't know why I was giggling, but I just explained that he needs a haircut. It just looked so comical, but in a cute and endearing way. It was sticking up in little curly horns all over his head. So the next day he went to get it cut. The lady asked him if he was getting it cut for the summer, and he said, that his wife was teasing him about it. She said, "Well, at least she's still looking." He replied, "Yeah, that's why I'm here." Aww. This small anecdote just warmed my heart. He's a keeper.

Random McNugget 5

My friend Elaine and I went to lunch at Becky's yesterday. It was wonderful and relaxing. I enjoyed it so much, I convinced my friend Martha to join me and we went back today. It's looks like a dive on the outside, but inside it has hardwood floors a raised dining area, a nice bar and the best food evah! Martha and I were so hungry and the service was very slow. After awhile, the waitress brought a plate of homemade chips to our table so that we could hold body and soul together until our food arrived. It was a nice escape from the workplace on such a hectic week.

TGIF and TTFN.

Greenpearl out.