I've Got A New Job...

I'm taking over Frying Bacon in the Nude for the month of July! I'm sure this will put me on the every watchlist held by the powers that be, but it's what you do for friends. So come on over and check it out.

Top Five Movies

Frank Sirmarco tagged me and said I had to list my top five movies. Being a total movie freak, this could take me a long time to determine. But being whimsical by nature, I'm going to list the top five movies that pop into my head when I think "favorite movies." It's kind of like party shuffle on the iTunes, only we're using my brain as a randomizer. Here we go:

1. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion

I love this movie. Here are a couple of girls who were misfits in high school but have turned things around for themselves somewhat since. When they learn their high school reunion is imminent, they go on a quest for a life makeover, which ends up causing a rift between them. But, as with most comedies, they turn everything around for the better by the end. This movie has everything my little girl heart wants in a movie: redemption, vindication, and a happy ending. Also, these two lovely girls, while not being super geniuses, have a lot of smarts and use what they have to their advantage. I quote them often, especially when someone compliments me. I usually tilt my head, open my eyes in wonder and respond, "I know!"

2. Casablanca

No one will argue with me that this is a great movie. Some may argue with my rational, however. I believe what makes this movie is not the love story, not the struggle for freedom, not the patriotic themes, but rather Captain Renault. I want to be him. If I can't be him, I want to go shopping with him. This is a diplomatic man who appears to have an interest in no one but himself. Of course, he grudgingly does the right thing when pressed. What I like most about him is his detached wit and lack of shame. If you haven't seen this movie (and shame on you), see it if only to hear some of his quips, such as...

Captain Renault: Rick, there are many exit visas sold in this café, but we know that you've never sold one. That is the reason we permit you to remain open.

Rick: Oh? I thought it was because I let you win at roulette.

Captain Renault: That is another reason.

and...

Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?

Captain Renault: I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here! [a croupier hands Renault a pile of money]

Croupier: Your winnings, sir.

Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much. [aloud]

Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!

3. The Philadelphia Story

If you're one for enjoying verbal banter and sparring, then this is your movie. This is a chick flick with balls. This movie is filled with wonderful dialogue and the atmosphere crackles with the sexual tension between the four main characters. Besides, who couldn't love a movie with the likes of Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and Jimmy Stewart in it? It's sweet, and smart, and saucy. I highly recommend it.

4. Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

In this third movie in the Harry Potter series, the producers went with an unlikely and unique director: Alfonso Cuaron. This man brought an edge to the Harry Potter films as the children became adolescents. He made this movie darker and full of black humor and physicality. But while it was creepy, it was also very sympathetic to Harry's character. In this film, we get to witness Harry having a very rare moment of joy as he rides Buckbeak, the hippogriff, over the grounds of Hogwarts, exhilarated. Also, he seems to be getting closer to having a circle of people in his life he can love and trust such as Professor Lupin and Serius Black. Harry seems much less alone in this episode and it feels good to watch him soak it up. Also, there's time travel, which almost always pushes a movie up in my list of favorites.

5. Desparately Seeking Susan

This movie is sort of an Alice falling through the looking glass movie. Only this time it's Roberta and she is falling into the New York City club scene as opposed to Wonderland. Also, Aiden Quinn is in this movie at his hottest, I would say. I love the grittiness of Susan's life and the way Roberta falls into it. It was filmed when Madonna was not only still American, but also still a person, and a charming one at that. The cast is great, the story well done, the soundtrack was wonderful. What's not to love?

I'd love to hear what your top five are and I specifically tag, Pezda, Evil Genius, Big Orange, and Dirty.

Dale Interviews Flannery

I couldn't resist the lovely Dale's offer to interview me...

You're clearly a woman of many talents Flannery Alden. Among your educational pursuits and raising adorable children, I see on your sidebar that you're writing a novel. Pretend I'm secretly in publishing and this is your big pitch meeting. What's the damned thing about?

It's about this guy, you know? He's got it all together and everything begins to unravel, starting in his subconscious. There's death, intrigue, some drama, and perhaps, for flavor, a little bit of comic miscommunication and slapstick ala Three's Company. It's kind of a saucy, psychic mystery-caper with a car chase.

...Wait...are you secretly in publishing?

2. In scouring your blog, I jealously read of your encounter with one of my favourite authors David Sedaris and the lovely anniversary present he gave you. Do you have a wish list for other authors you'd like to meet and could it in any way be as good as your time with David as I call him?

I'm not sure anything could surpass my meeting with David Sedaris unless it was a longer meeting with David Sedaris. But the following authors would probably come pretty close:

• John Irving
• Bill Bryson
• Tyra Banks (she's written a book, right?)
• J.K. Rowling

3. If you were on American Idol tonight with Barry Gibb (is he the dead one?), which of his songs or any other disco song would you perform? Would you wear the white suit or go out on your own?

Just to clarify, I believe Barry Gibb is still living. Brothers Andy and Maurice have walked on. I don't know if I could choose one song of his...I loathe most of them. But I would probably go with "Jive Talking." If it could be any disco song, it would of course be "I Will Survive." I've had lots of practice singing this song; it's on my SingStar game.

4. You and Big Orange seem to have each other's backs. Who is this big fruit and why do you like him?

Where do I begin with Big Orange? How about at the beginning...When I was a freshman in college I stayed in a dorm, like many other college students have done. During the first week of classes, our RA held a "meet and greet" for all the people on the 11th floor. I was bored. There were many lame-o's and poseurs. The introductions made their way around the room until it was BO's turn. When he began to speak, I was totally engulfed in picking the fuzz off of the arm of the cheap-o dorm furniture. As I listened to his lovely voice I was compelled to pause in my efforts of snatching the old plaid couch bald. I lifted my eyes to behold a long-haired, bedimpled young rogue who caught my heart when he mentioned casually that he played the bagpipes. Suddenly, the skies opened up and a beam of heavenly sunlight struck him as angels sang. Yes it was love.

We dated for a little over a year and then we broke up amicably. That was over 20 years ago and we're still friends. We parted ways because I was much too much of a prude to carry on with such an anarchic free spirit as himself. But he is very intellectually stimulating and hilarious. It's also extreme fun to induce a fit of giggles in him, what he calls a "pineapple upside down moment."

What do I like about him? He's smart. Very smart. Sometimes I can't keep up with him. He's probably the only person I know who can stump me in a conversation. He also finds me funny, a very important qualificiation for my friends to have. BO is a very sweet and quirky man; totally my type, if a little too much on the fringe.

Sadly, he lives a million miles away, so we only get to talk on the phone (thank God for free long distance/minutes) and through the blogs. We're both too broke to zip around the earth hanging out with each other these days. But when I run the world, you can bet he'll hold a cabinet post.

5. You seem to enjoy lists. Can you name a few things you'd like to try while you're on Earth and which you think you'll actually get to?

Hmm...OK. I'll bold the ones I think I'll get to:

1. Write and publish a book
2. Have my own talk show
3. Dance the tango
4. See Europe (the continent and the band)
5. Complete a checklist
6. Live in the mountains
7. Summer somewhere
8. Have grandchildren
9. Glass blowing
10. Make a dramatic egress without forgetting my purse

Thank you so much, Dale, for your questions. I adore you even more now.

Today's Load Of Crap From A Fortune Cookie

This one is dedicated to Big Orange, who will belt out a big, sardonic gaffaw when he reads this turd nugget:

Don't be discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.

Memo to Big Orange: I Believe...You Can Too!

Dear Big Orange:

This is my answer to any and all God Talks, past, present, and in perpetuity, amen.

A Memo To Big Orange Re: Footnotes

Dear Big Orange,

I enjoyed our heated discussion on the phone this morning regarding footnotes. If you recall, I noted strongly that I find footnotes to be distracting and a pain in the ass to locate, due to the great length of most of your posts. You claimed that they were perfectly OK to use and you were within the rules of good writing. You suggested I check my APA Style Guide for verification. I was sure the APA Style Guide strictly forbad them, and said so, claiming to have some expertise in the use of this guide.

While I am expert in preparing references and text that align with the rules presented by the APA, my knowledge is lacking with regard to footnotes, as I refuse to use them. However, in the interest of truth, I decided to consult the APA Style Guide and put this issue to rest. While the APA has not strictly forbidden them, they do discourage their use:

Content footnotes supplement or amplify substantive information in the text; they should not include complicated irrelevant or nonessential information. Because they are distracting to readers and expensive to include in printed material, such footnotes should convey just one idea; if you find yourself creating paragraphs or displaying equations as you are writing a footnote, then the main text or an appendix probably would be a more suitable place to present your information. Another alternative to consider is to indicate in a short footnote that the material is available from the author. In most cases, an author integrates an article best by presenting important information in the text, not in a footnote. [emphasis mine]. (202)

And so it would seem that you are technically right, but I am more right. As a writer, you are a servant of the reader, to a degree. In order to convey a message with the highest chances of successful reception, it's best not to make your poor, addled, busy, and short-attention-spanned readers go looking for bits of information at the bottom of your extraordinarily long posts.

However, it's your blog, you can do what you want. Just know that I will not make the effort to check out footnotes in context; I can't be bothered with all that extra scrolling. I will read them at the end of the post, but by then, they will be a non sequitorian jumble in my head. I do have one request, however, in future: leave me the fuck out of the footnotes.

Warmest Regards,
Flannery Alden

I'm Worried About Big Orange

I'm back at work after a very busy five days off. I didn't finish my novel, but I did add five pages (I'm up to 25 now). The whole time off, we've had unseasonably warm weather. Yesterday, there was a high of 62 degrees! I hung my outdoor Christmas lights without wearing a jacket or gloves. The kids played outside with the neighbors kids for hours. It was very strange, though. When the sun set at 5:00 p.m. it seemed way too early. It had been so warm, I forgot it was November.

Even though I had a lovely five days off, there were some times in there when it wasn't all sunshine and butterfiles. Saturday, I woke up pissed off at the world. It's strange, I knew I was wound up and ready to let the next person have it but there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to keep my cool, but my usual reserves were gone.

Somehow, I managed to get the kids showered, dressed, and in the car by eleven o'clock, without too many tears. We stopped for donuts and then headed to my parent's house, where my Mom, Grandma and I were going to do our Christmas cards. Thank God my parents live only 10 minutes away. I don't know how I would have made it through the day without them there to help me out when I was feeling so angry and depressed for no good damn reason.

I can only imagine what it's been like for Big Orange these days. He's not getting any sleep. He's cranky about his job and money situation. And he's out of anti-depressants. He's also questioning/blaming God for a lot of things here recently. Sadly, his parents have passed away and his in-laws are up here by me. He and his Good Wife are on their own.

He and I speak fairly regularly, usually more than once a day. I couldn't get a hold of him yesterday evening and I would have liked to have had a chance to talk to him, if only to get him laughing. I know he loves comments. If you feel moved to make his day today, please take a few minutes and comment on his blogs. I know if we could send a bunch of love or at least smart ass remarks his way, we might just put a spring back in his step. I'm sure he'd prefer a couple of pints of stout, but in the meantime, comments will do.

• Frying Bacon In The Nude
• The Vision Spendid: Reports From A Family Affected By Autism
• Social Zymurgy: The Culture of Beer
• Poor Man's Telepathy

Brevity For The Sake Of Sanity

I've volunteered to help Big Orange with his homework. He has been tasked with creating a culture for his small group project. Even though it is very thorough and interesting, I don't think you can expect the other people in his group to read and digest this 3,398 word tome. So, I've agreed to edit it down to 500 words. I think I've been successful.

Assignment: Invent a Culture

Name: The Omegas

History: The Omegas are the last generation of humans, the race having become sterile. This last generation is markedly different from its predecessors: all are blue-eyed, quiet and super-intelligent. They reject their non-omega family members. As the population died off, most people abandoned remote locations and moved to cities, the exception being a group of Omegas called the Red Hands, who became nomadic and aggressive.

Language: The Omegas speak their own invented language. It is presumed that the Red Hands have a different but also invented language of their own.

Education: City-dwelling Omegas are apathetic towards education. They are fast learners and the last generation on earth, so they see no need for study. The Red Hands also see no need for education.

Work: Omegas prefer leisure and rely on an aging population of "regular" people to see to all the manual labor. The Red Hands' work includes attacking "regular" people.

Play: Omegas play quiet games of chance. Their sport includes challenges of accuracy rather than complicated rule-bound games like football. The Red Hands beat people up for sport.

Pets: Omegas don't own pets, rather they co-habitate with animals and livestock, in particular: cats.

Religion: Omegas don't believe in a higher power and tend to ridicule the beliefs of those "regular" people who do have faith. The Red Hands have a faith which requires them to offer "regular" people as human sacrifices to amuse their gods, it is presumed.

Sex Roles: The sexes of the Omegas seem to keep with the classical themes of art and figure drawing where women have more curves and appear to have “volume”, whereas men have more straight lines and appear to have “angle.”

The Omegas are sensual beings. It’s suggested that all Omegas are at least partially bisexual, based on how easily they touch, kiss and hold each other in mixed groups. However, in a world where no one can get pregnant and the world is dying, sex has become uninteresting, and instead flirting and being sensual has replaced sex.

Both male and female Red Hands are often only partially clad or fully naked, usually streaked with paint, mud or blood. Red Hand women are as violent as the men, perhaps even more so-- accounts of Red Hand women beating motorists to death are common Red Hand sex has been observed during attacks as a sort of ecstatic, state of consciousness experience that might be some sort of ritual.

Taboo: Anything the "regular" people do, the Omegas avoid. They also don't ask the question "What do you do?" to other Omegas; they just don't care.

Concept of Time: They spend their time as they please.

Family Ties: Family no longer holds meaning for Omegas, as they cannot reproduce and families are a "regular" people concept. They prefer the company of other Omegas.

Food: Omegas prefer the fine and fresh food and drink provided by their gardens.

Holidays: The Omegas recognize the full moon as a time to celebrate.

"Some Feel The Heat And Some Sweat When The Heat Is On"

I was in my bathroom at 6:45 a.m. this morning, fresh out of the shower. I had the space heater going and it was aimed directly at my bare legs. I was wearing two towels, one swami style on my head and the other wrapped around my torso. We keep it at about 65 degrees in our house and wear layers to ward off the chill, lest we be driven to the poor house by Dominion Gas. I had just squeezed a dollop of Oil of Olay onto my fingers when my cell phone rang. It could only be Big Orange and even for him, it was early.

As my fingers were covered with lotion, I decided to let him speak to my voice mail. I continued my morning ablutions at record speed; I had hit the snooze for nearly an hour and I need to be in my car by 7:00 a.m. if I were to arrive at work with any semblance of punctuality. I spread the lotion over my face, towel dried my hair, added mousse, turned of the space heater, dried and styled my hair with the hair dryer, applied deodorant and got dressed. I kissed Doc goodbye and wished him a happy birthday (read about his transition to middle age here, it's great) and was on the road by 7:05 a.m.

Once I had settled myself in for my hour-long commute, I picked up the phone and retrieved my voicemail. I was greeted by a taunting madman. He was rubbing it in that he had already posted his first blogcake in what threatens to be a very long month of blogging, and that he had several more in the queue, locked and loaded. He noted that he had checked my blog and noticed that I hadn't yet posted. That seemed to give him enormous pleasure.

I called him back and he gloated some more. Then we bitched about politics and education. He has a big day at work today and was about to pick up his breakfast, so we wished each other well and returned to our respective commutes.

The whole way in, I was trying to remember an idea for a post that had occured to my last night. Sadly, it was as elusive as Osama Bin Ladin. I was unable to put my finger on it.

I made my way up to my desk and logged in. And what story does Yahoo! decide I need to see first thing? An article called "The Best Entrepreneurs Under 25". Under 25?!? Jesus!

So, not only have I been bested at blogging by a neurotic fifth grade science teacher with hypographia (well played, old bean!), I'm also being lapped by the next generation vis a vis sucess. Sigh. It's a lot to swallow first thing in the morning, to be sure.

However, I am not bummed out. I am inspired. I plan on giving my all this month and really taking my writing to a higher level of quality in the areas of humor, thoughfulness, grammar, relevancy and style.

Be ye warned: It's getting hot in here...