Documentary Film of the Day - Blind spot: Hitler's Secretary

In honor of Some Guy's Hiatus and in celebration of his 15 millionth post, I thought I'd steal one of his ideas. So here's my Documentary of the day:

Blind Spot: Hitler's Secretary

Doc recently bought a book from the library bookstore called Never Coming to a Theater Near You, which we kept in the john and would read (since we couldn't read Some Guy's Blog on the toilet). There's a large section of the book dedicated to documentary film, which ordinarly makes my eyes roll back into my head and I'm not well again until I watch a few episodes of the Golden Girls or "Idol Gives Back." But one happened to catch my eye: the eponymous Blind Spot.

The review was so compelling, I went to the library, found it the dvd in the catalog and had it sent from the main library to my little local branch. Now Doc and I are movie buffs from way back, but in the past, oh, seven years or so, we seem to have lost the habit. More often, we'll get DVD's of TV shows, pop one in and pass out after the opening credits. But we were both so jazzed about this particular documentary that I was hoping it would be something we could watch together. Of course, the subject matter is perfect for a romantic night at home...

The movie was due back at the library yesterday, so I was determined to watch it. We put the movie on at about 11:00 p.m. and it was in German. Totally. No subtitles. So, I searched the menu, added English subtitles and we were off and running.

This movie is basically a film of Traudl Junge, one of Hitler's secretary who was stationed at his bunker, speaking directly to an interviewer about her experience from the time she was hired until Hitler's final days and her escape. There are some cut away scenes where she is watching footage of herself talking and she interjects with a correction, more detail, or a restatement of her feelings in hindsight. But that's it. No music. No narration.

It's remarkable. And creepy. It's very personal and she gives quite an insight to what kind of person Hitler was and how he could be a nice guy even if he was killing a bunch of innocent people. She was obviously struggling to relate her experience while history and hindsight lurked over her shoulder.

As Chris might say, "I highly recommend it." And to quote him again: "Documentaries have exposed me to so many new and interesting things. Like one of the women in the video says, documentaries 'have the power to make you empathize with things you never really knew you could empathize with.'" If there ever was a documentary to make you empathize with things you never really knew you could empathize with...this one is it.

Congratulations, Some Guy on your 15,000,000th post! Cheers and Gesundheit!

Why I’m Behind Madonna’s Decision to Remake and Star in Casablanca

Like you, I was appalled by the idea that anyone would remake what is virtually a perfect movie, let alone that it was Madonna and that she wanted to play the part of Ilsa in the remake. I mean, my God! She’s 30 years older than Ingid Bergman was when she made the film. I thought maybe Madonna might be more appropriately cast as the signer in Rick’s Café. That would be a nice cameo. Then let someone like Kiera Knightly or Miranda Cosgrove play the part of Ilsa.

This really bugged me. I first heard about it last week or the week before. It struck me as something I needed to blog about, but, as you all know, I’ve been struggling with malaise vis a vis my blog. So I let it stew. As my thoughts about this proposed abomination boiled on the back burner, it started to seem less like a bad idea, a moral outrage, and more like an interesting experiment.

First of all, Madonna has a knack for adopting accents. I’m sure she could pull off Der Deutsche in a heartbeat. She’s also got the body of an East German Olympiad, sinewy and taught. So, on screen, she should look and sound German, no problem.

Also, Ilsa has been around the block a few times. She was married, she had a fling with Rick, she went back to her husband when she realized he was still alive, she reunited with Rick and thought about going back to him. I think Madonna has the life experience to portray someone with these types of tendencies.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to hear her reinterpret the sound track? I loved her music that had Indian influences (Ray of Light). I’d be really keen to hear Madonna ala Morocco. I’m sure it would be awesome.

And finally, for some reason, the movie “Sunset Boulevard” keeps coming to my mind when I think of Madonna remaking Casablanca. This is truly a Norma Desmond move. And, if the fates intervene and Madonna is not physically stopped by the film police, I will be sitting in the middle of the row, two-thirds of the way back in the theater, the optimal viewing location (I will, of course, have the theater to myself), with my popcorn and twizzlers, thinking, “Bring it on!”

If this is made, it will be the train wreck of the century! But then again, aren’t all of her movies (except of course for Desperately Seeking Susan, which is genius, and the only movie she’s been in where she probably had no creative control) train wreck’s of the century?

Favorite Movies of My Home Town

I was heading over to Netflix to browse through the "instant" movies (just add water) and I was faced with a new welcome page, which presented selections I might like based on what I've already viewed. I wasn't surprised by most of the recommendations until I scrolled to the bottom of the page and I saw the five movies that are favorites of my neighbors. I tried to do a screen shot, but it sucked. So I'll just list the movies the people around me love:

• Pistol Whipped, (3 stars) featuring Steven Segal, described as a "martial arts thriller"
• The Shepherd, (3.1 stars) featuring Jean Claude Van Dam, described as an "action thriller"
• Underdog, (3.5 stars), featuring Jason Lee, described by critic Nell Minnow, "There may be no need to fear now that Underdog is here, but there is no reason to feel very happy, either," which is just as I suspected
• Mission Impossible III (3.5 stars). Ugh
• The Invisible (3.4 stars), featuring has beens and never was's, an exploration of limbo (not the dance, sadly, rather the state of being pretty much dead)

I'm not exactly sure what to think about this list. I mean, what does it say about us as a municipalitiy? How can Underdog be among any city's favorites? Although, maybe now that I'm on some serious cough medicine, I might enjoy it. Is that the key? Is this whole town on drugs? What does this list say about my home town?

Netflix...

I'm sitting here in the Lodge and my eye keeps wandering over to that lovely red envelope luring me back to Netflix. What do you think...should I go for it?

Movie Review: The Illusionist

I'm a little rusty when it comes to picking out videos to rent. In fact, the first time I walked into a video store since the pact ended, I nearly swooned by the sensory overload. But, for the most part, I chose wisely. The kids enjoyed the movies they picked out and Doc and I failed to watch the movie I rented for us, which was Clerks II.

This past weekend I went in and rented The Illusioninst. The cover looked cool and Paul Giamatti was in it; we love him. And, of course, magici is so hot right now. How could I go wrong with what appeared to be a great cast, even though Edward Norton is such a tool?

My first clue that I had made a poor choice was the litany of producers displayed during the credits. My heart sank after what must have been a dozen separate producers and co-producers names faded in and out of the sepia toned, distressed film. Too many cooks to be sure.

It was set in Germany at the turn of the century. There's forbidden love between two people separated by class. They try to run away together but are caught. He ends up travelling the world and becoming The Illusionist. He returns to Vienna to find his true love betrothed to the crown prince, an asshole on the level of Stanly Kowalski. The CP tries to discredit The Illusionist, but is outwitted at every turn. Meanwhile Paul Giamatti, the chief inspector, pocket dweller of the CP, and an amateur conjurist becomes infatuated with The Illusionist.

Let me tell you what, watching this movie felt exactly like spinning around and around for 30 seconds, sitting down suddenly, and watching paint dry. It was boring. The cinematography was an annoying, amateur imitation of the camera work in Moulin Rouge. The actors were overwraught and saturated their performances with a melancholy, I guess, to bolster the silly script. They were shooting for taut and poignent; they got cloying and ridiculous. At one point, The Illusionist, in a flashforward, was sitting in a chair on stage in front of a totally silent audience. The camera panned the entire theater starting with The Illusionist, soaring over the seats, capturing nearly everyone's face in the audience, which must have been populated by the producers and their families, over the balcony, and back around to the box seats, returning once again to The Illusionists haggard face. Well, as haggard as Ed Norton could pull off, anyway. This scene was so long and so unnecessary, that it became funny. As the camera was making it's slow return trip to the stage, I said to Doc, "This...Is American Idol."

Now, I did not see the end of the movie (I fell asleep). But this is what I guess happened. The Illusionist pulled off his biggest Illusion ever by faking the death of his love and framing the CP for it. And The Illusionist and The Girl ran off to Albania and lived happily ever after, as the Chief Inspector became mayor and thought back fondly, in voice over, of the way The Illusionist was able to make an orange tree grow from a seed in a matter of a minute.... zzzzzzzz.... snore... what? Yeah, it was that boring.

Save your money and rent Freaky Friday instead.

Draco Says: See the New Harry Potter Movie...

...or Longbottom gets it!

Seriously, this movie was very well done. They were able to compress the longest Harry Potter book into a two hour movie with style and grace. If you love Harry Potter, you will love this movie. If you don't love Harry Potter, then we don't have much to say to each other today.

Top Five Movies

Frank Sirmarco tagged me and said I had to list my top five movies. Being a total movie freak, this could take me a long time to determine. But being whimsical by nature, I'm going to list the top five movies that pop into my head when I think "favorite movies." It's kind of like party shuffle on the iTunes, only we're using my brain as a randomizer. Here we go:

1. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion

I love this movie. Here are a couple of girls who were misfits in high school but have turned things around for themselves somewhat since. When they learn their high school reunion is imminent, they go on a quest for a life makeover, which ends up causing a rift between them. But, as with most comedies, they turn everything around for the better by the end. This movie has everything my little girl heart wants in a movie: redemption, vindication, and a happy ending. Also, these two lovely girls, while not being super geniuses, have a lot of smarts and use what they have to their advantage. I quote them often, especially when someone compliments me. I usually tilt my head, open my eyes in wonder and respond, "I know!"

2. Casablanca

No one will argue with me that this is a great movie. Some may argue with my rational, however. I believe what makes this movie is not the love story, not the struggle for freedom, not the patriotic themes, but rather Captain Renault. I want to be him. If I can't be him, I want to go shopping with him. This is a diplomatic man who appears to have an interest in no one but himself. Of course, he grudgingly does the right thing when pressed. What I like most about him is his detached wit and lack of shame. If you haven't seen this movie (and shame on you), see it if only to hear some of his quips, such as...

Captain Renault: Rick, there are many exit visas sold in this café, but we know that you've never sold one. That is the reason we permit you to remain open.

Rick: Oh? I thought it was because I let you win at roulette.

Captain Renault: That is another reason.

and...

Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?

Captain Renault: I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here! [a croupier hands Renault a pile of money]

Croupier: Your winnings, sir.

Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much. [aloud]

Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!

3. The Philadelphia Story

If you're one for enjoying verbal banter and sparring, then this is your movie. This is a chick flick with balls. This movie is filled with wonderful dialogue and the atmosphere crackles with the sexual tension between the four main characters. Besides, who couldn't love a movie with the likes of Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and Jimmy Stewart in it? It's sweet, and smart, and saucy. I highly recommend it.

4. Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

In this third movie in the Harry Potter series, the producers went with an unlikely and unique director: Alfonso Cuaron. This man brought an edge to the Harry Potter films as the children became adolescents. He made this movie darker and full of black humor and physicality. But while it was creepy, it was also very sympathetic to Harry's character. In this film, we get to witness Harry having a very rare moment of joy as he rides Buckbeak, the hippogriff, over the grounds of Hogwarts, exhilarated. Also, he seems to be getting closer to having a circle of people in his life he can love and trust such as Professor Lupin and Serius Black. Harry seems much less alone in this episode and it feels good to watch him soak it up. Also, there's time travel, which almost always pushes a movie up in my list of favorites.

5. Desparately Seeking Susan

This movie is sort of an Alice falling through the looking glass movie. Only this time it's Roberta and she is falling into the New York City club scene as opposed to Wonderland. Also, Aiden Quinn is in this movie at his hottest, I would say. I love the grittiness of Susan's life and the way Roberta falls into it. It was filmed when Madonna was not only still American, but also still a person, and a charming one at that. The cast is great, the story well done, the soundtrack was wonderful. What's not to love?

I'd love to hear what your top five are and I specifically tag, Pezda, Evil Genius, Big Orange, and Dirty.

The Pact Is Over!

Yes my friends, Doc and I have gone one year without paying for movies. That means, we didn't buy DVD's, go to the theater, or rent movies on our dime for 365 days. Woo-hoo! We did it!



There have been many times of weakness, especially in the beginning. Doc and I are both huge impulse movie buyers and that seems to be cured. I think, spending idle moments flipping through our DVD storage books, and seeing how many CRAP movies we have has turned on a light, at least for me. I will probably never buy a DVD on impulse again. I don't ever want to be stuck, broke, and bored, looking for a movie and being faced with a Lee Marvin retrospective. No thank you!



Not seeing movies at the theater wasn't as big of a challenge. Face it, we're broke, so going to the movies is a real luxury and a rarity even without the pact. But these are the movies we bravely missed this past year:

• Night at the Museum
• DaVinci Code
• Superman Returns
• Casino Royale (ouch...still haven't seen it but it tops Doc's list of must-haves)
• Click
• Borat
• The Devil Wears Prada (I got this from the library yesterday...)
• Dreamgirls
• The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
• Eragon
• You Me and Dupree
• Rocky Balboa
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
• Little Miss Sunshine
• Final Destination 3
• The Queen
• The Lake House (Phew, dodged this bullet!)
• Man of the Year
• Snakes on a Plane
• Clerks II
• Letters from Iwo Jima
  

No big loss, in hindsight, wouldn't you agree?

Movies we did see, through the kindness of others or for free:

• The Last Mimzy
• Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
• Cars
• Talledega Nights
• Jackass: Number II
• V for Vendetta
• Curious George
• Me, Eloise
• Veggie Tales: Moe and the Big Exit
• MST3K Escape 2000

As you can see, a majority are kids movies, but overall, these were movies I enjoyed and don't regret seeing. I am looking forward to the summer blockbusters as well as seeing smaller films in an actual theater. But it will probably still be a rare occaision for the time being, what with the babysitting and financial situation being what they are.

This pact has had quite an effect on me personally. It helped me to realize what a compulsive buyer I am. I now consider most every purchase carefully. I've actually started making gifts for people instead of buying them movies, which is much more cost effective, as well as creatively gratifying. Actually, I used to get quite a thrill going shopping. Now, I become aprehensive, almost overwhelmed when I go into a large store, like Target or Walmart. I don't want to be swept away by the so-called "bargains" or "price roll-backs." Because, frankly, it all adds up, bargain priced or no. Now, I can go into Target and leave having only spent $20 instead of $200.

My pick as first movie to see now that the pact has expired? Hot Fuzz. See you at the movies!

"With The Rich And Mighty, Always A Little Patience"

The above is a quote of a quote from the movie The Philadelphia Story and it's stuck with me over the years since I first heard it. I've tried to keep it in mind because, as an egalitarian kind of gal and an only child, I have a little bit of trouble "accepting my place" in this world when it is not either as a peer to all or the center of the universe. This quote helps me deal with being subordinated.

Now, though, I have generated a new quote for handling the rich and mighty. I will share it with you here. I hope it helps you cope with the overblown, overprivelidged, overpowerful assholes in your world, like it has in mine.

When the rich and mighty turn their backs on you, kiss their asses and they will turn back around.

I'm My Mom's Joke Writer

Mom: Your Dad and I went to see Wild Hogs last night.

Me: Oh yeah? How was that?

Mom: Well, it was like a chick flick...only for guys. You know, they bond, they learn a life lesson, they have some laughs.

Me: Huh.

Mom: What would you call that? A chick flick for guys?

Me:...thinking: Should I go here? I Will...How about a Dick Flick?

Mom: THAT'S IT! I'm totally using that line when we see Bob and Pat...

*****

I love my Mom. She didn't even flinch.

Mel Gibson Alert!

According to Yahoo! News, Mel is thinking of heading to Panama to film a new movie about history! Apparently, he is in negotiations to produce a film about Spanish explorer Vasco Nunez de Balboa, the first European to see the Pacific Ocean from its eastern shore. Personally, I hope the negotiations fall through. Here are my reasons:

• I am so tired of history ala Mel, I could just spit up.
  
• A movie about a guy seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time has already been done.
  
• It would interfere with the completion of other important movies he is working on right now: Under and Alone, an important story set in Southern California depicting the trials and tribulations of an ATF agent who infiltrates the notorious Mongols (!) motorcycle gang; and Sam and George, a moving tale of two old friends who reunite after one of them (Gibson) is released from prison after serving twenty years for a crime he didn't commit. Sigh.

Let's talk about the Sam and George. Do we really need to see Gibson portray this martyr? Maybe this is a vanity piece with a message. I suppose he must feel persecuted and I admit I have contributed to the persecution. But do I deserve this movie in punishment? No, I say. But I hear tell karma is a bitch and I probably deserve her slap. IMDB describes this film as "a moving tale." Pu-lease. This is just an opportunity for him to say, what me? I didn't do anything wrong! If you're offended by my work, it's you're problem! I'm not a pornographic monger of violence! You're just too sensitive. And you don't study history like I do...symbollically

Then he's taking on the "notorious Mongols" in Under and Alone, apparently based on a true story. However you and I both know how Mel treats the truth. I predict this will be just another one of his type of historical films, a whispy truth burried by blood and guts. He will figuratively pit himself against a mondern-day Ghengis Khan and sincerly try to stop the threat of all the gangs uniting under Khan and conquering and absorbing every town in their path. There will be many cheeky and inside jokes that only "historians" like him will get. Maybe after a particularly violent fight with gang members that went poorly, he'll sidle up to a bar, bruised and battered, and order a Jin Dynasty Martini, conquered not stirred.

I hope Mel Gibson has a nice time in Panama, if he decides to go there. Perhaps he'll catch yellow fever and die. Maybe he'll make a deal for producing a movie, which will, in turn, boost the local economy. Maybe he'll even make a meaningful movie about a spectacular voyage, and allow the viscera and pain to be conjured up in our imagination rather than spattered all over our faces. I'm not holding my breath for any of the above. But Hollywood is about dreams, after all. A girl can dream, can't she?

Guitar Hero And The Ties That Bind

Last night, I arrived home from work at about 7:00 p.m. to find my family sprawled on the couch, sleeping. Oh, dear, I thought, it's going to be a late night. I was very tired since I took a nap Sunday afternoon and didn't sleep well Sunday night. As I was taking my jacket off, Doc stirred to life and welcomed me home.

We chatted for a bit and wondered if we should just go ahead and put the kiddies to bed. We decided to give it a try and Doc lifted Riley up to take her to her room and lo and behold, she woke up. She didn't want to go to bed, she said and scrambled down from her Daddy's arms and onto my lap.

She was hungry so I fixed her some PB&J with a side of Cheetos (I know! Great dinner, right?) and settled in to do the dishes. Shortly after her second sandwich, Lucy woke up with the most spectacualr case of bedhead I've ever seen. She had rolled over onto her face on the couch and started to sweat a bit. So her hair was this colden corona sticking out from all angles around her face. I'd put a picture up, but alas my camera battery wasn't charged and I couldn't capture the moment. You'll just have to take my word for it; it was adorable.

Very soon after Lucy woke up, she was standing in the kitchen kind of lost. She ended up just peeing all over the floor. I knew she didn't mean to; she's been really good about going to the potty. I know she just wasn't awake enough to realize what was going on. This upset her very badly, so we cleaned her and the floor up. And I took her into my arms and we sat on the couch together until she felt better. She loves to sit on my lap facing me and resting her head on my shoulder. Very soon, she will not want to do this much anymore, so I soaked it up.

After everyone had had a bite to eat and it was about 8:30 p.m., the girls started to get wound up. I knew I wouldn't have the energy to fight their energy, so I tried to convince them that they should dance while I played Guitar Hero. Wonder of wonders: they agreed. So, I jammed while they danced and screamed and rocked out. They were jumping on me, hanging from my arms, dancing around and jumping from the couch to the ottoman to me to the floor. Even with all of that going on, I never earned less than four stars on the Medium level.

At one point, Riley grabbed a ball of red, nappy yarn and began to wind it around my legs. She kept winding and winding until both of my thighs were completely immobilized. I was still able to jam, however. When she was done, I asked her why she had done it.

"If you were all tied up and couldn't walk, then you couldn't go to work and then you'd never have to leave!" she explained.

My heart melted and broke at the same time. I told her that everyone has to work and if we didn't work, we wouldn't have this nice house and all of our fun toys.

"We could live somewhere else," she countered.

"I'm sorry, baby, that's just the way it is."

This seemed to satisfy her and we went on with our rock show. Incidentally, when you are playing the Quick Play version and finish the song, you have the opportunity to write your name on the bathroom wall when you achieve a high score, which I always do. When you enter your name and hit Start, the urinal makes a flushing noise. This cracks Lucy up. Everytime it happened, which was after every song I played, Lucy would throw her hands up in the air and yell, "Oh, my gosh!" and laugh and laugh.

After I closed the show with Free Bird (of course), it was time for bed. The girls went to bed reluctantly but without much fuss at 10:30 p.m. I was exhausted. I felt bad because, I'd barely spent any time with Doc. But before you start feeling sorry for him, know that he was wrapped up in a game of Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 on the laptop most of the eveining. He was just in the kitchen and could still appreciate my rock prowess, though. I even dedicated "Message in a Bottle" to him.

Doc, recognizing exhaustion on my face, sent me on my way to bed. I got into my jammies and turned on the DVD of All Creatures Great and Small, a BBC TV version of James Herriot's stories of being a country vet in the Yorkshire Dales. I highly recommend both the TV series and all of his books. As the episode started and I was stretched out in the bed, I was awash in a sense of gladness. The DVD's were fresh, unwatched (I got them for free from the library), I was snuggled up under a brand new down comfortor, it wasn't too cold in the house and I'd just spent a lovely evening romping around with the kids. I was struck by the magnitude of this event as I don't ever remember feeling it before in my life. I mean, I've known happiness before, but it's always been tinged with doubt or pregret. For the first time that I can recall I felt pure gladness with no worries. Believe me, I have plenty to worry about, but for the first time ever, the worries were totally absent from my thoughts.

There are many reasons for this gladness: a combination of therapy, anti-depressants, strong, supportive family, prayer. But I think they are all a gift from God. It was Grace I was experiencing, I'm sure of it. And I'm thankful, very thankful.

And you thought fasting for Lent was a waste of time. OK, so maybe giving up Gold'n Krisp chips did not award me this moment, but at least there were no chip crumbs in the bed to sully the experience.

The Universe Is Back In Balance

The Academy Award Nominees have been announced and Mel Gibson's movie Apocalypto has been appropriately overlooked in the major catagories. It was, however given a nod for Sound Mixing, Sound Editing and Make-up.

So, Mel, now it's your turn to grab a Heini, sob into your pillow and ask "Why? Why? Why?" My teeth gnashing, fist-waving, shouting to God days are over as far as your concerned...that is until Atlantisthmus, the true story of what happened to Atlantis, done in the ancient Greek dialect of that era and region, is launched.

Oooh I can't wait for the true-to-life underwater scenes unfold.

Mel Gibson Advises His Critics To Do Their Homework

Mel Gibson said, in this Yahoo! report, that people who criticise his movie Apacalypto as being racist should do their homework; he did.

The Yahoo! article went on to say, "Mayan critics of "Apocalypto" say scenes of scary-looking Indians with bone piercings and scarred faces hurling spears and sacrificing humans promote stereotypes about their culture."

So, first, he's being a total gonad for telling the Mayan people to do homework on themselves to learn that they really are only a bunch of savages. I'm sure they are well versed in all aspects of their own culture, moreso than you are.

Secondly, let's talk about those critics of your "film" who are not Mayan, like, say, me. I will tell you, bucko, I've done my homework. Not on the Mayans, necessarily, but on historiography. And this Yahoo! report has finally helped me put my finger my major problem with this movie and with the historical accuracy flag you keep waving in everyone's faces. Here is the quote:

"He produced and co-wrote the movie, which revolves around one man's quest to save himself from human sacrifice in the ancient civilization." [italics mine]

This major element of the plot begs the question, if you were a Mayan guy living in this time and were up for human sacrifice, wouldn't you go forward with the sacrifice because it was your duty? I mean, it's part of your culture, right? So, we can presume, the possibility of being sacrificed was a very likely eventuality in the minds of the Mayans of that time, no? It reminds me of the story of Socrates' execution. He had the opportunity to flee Athens and escape death, but he refused. He was a part of Athens and had always abided by her laws. To flee to save his own life would break the law of Athens and cheapen all that he ever stood for. So he drank that poison and died, much like, I presume, many Mayans did in their time as they faithfully adhered to their own religious beliefs and faiths. They accepted it as their lot in life and did not abandon their beliefs to save their own lives or the lives of their hottie Mayan wives.

So, why would this Mayan guy flee his sacrifice? Maybe he's a coward. Or maybe he's just a character in a movie about ancient times who has the anachronistic values of a modern, North American Catholic action hero. If he is the former, then why write about him at all? Cowards typically do not belong as protagonists in "historically accurate films." If he is the latter, then you cannot call this movie historically accurate, dumbass. It's cheating to plaster ancient characters with the morals and values of 21st century inhabitants. So fooey on you and your historical accuracy. It is a sham.

Dear Warren Beatty, I Bet You Think This Post Is About You

Congratulations on the recognition you received at the Golden Globe Awards last evening. Sadly, I was unable to view the coverage in its entirity; I lack the staff to properly organize every aspect of my life and, therefore, failed to view the show as it happened and lost the opportunity to set the DVR to record it. I missed all the red carpet kerfluffle and a majority of the award presentations. Fortunately, my poverty in both material goods and posse membership did not prevent me from viewing the results this morning on the internet. Two things pleased me much: J-Hud's award for Dream Girls and Mel Gibson's loss for his overblown, overrated and, obviously, flash-in-the-pan grab for artistic credibility, a.k.a. Apacolypto.

I suddenly remembered at around 10:00 p.m. that the award show was on and, being a rabid fan of award shows, I figured I ought to tune in; so I did. And I was just in time to view three quarters of the tongue bath given to you by Tom Hanks, who believes saying that someone has balls is somehow both risque and hilarious enough to repeat at least eight times during is pre-eulogy to you, the Promising New Star of 1962. And then I watched as you received the Cecille B. DeMille award for Over-The-Top Assholery (I hazzarded a guess as to what that award recognizes, as I missed the explanation of its significance. I'm pretty sure I'm dead on.). And your speech moved me to tell you this, Warren Beatty:

Oh. My. God. Please shut up!

I was humiliated for you by your obvious vanity and shallowness. Sure you may be a great actor/director/producer/screenwriter. But you seem to revel in your power like a pig lolling in mud. Frankly, it turned my stomach. The only respite during this 20 minute hubris-fest I felt was, when you were jabbing at my boy, Clint Eastwood, for being an overachiever, the cameras focused on the lovely visage of that old cowboy and TRUE TALENT and lost focus on you and your swaggering, swaying peacockery! Jesus, your speech made me long for a holier-than-thou address on Tibetan public school funding from Richard Gere! At least he has a cause other than himself and his own smarminess.

Your speech went on and on and all you talked about was how lucky you were to have access to just about everyone and everything on the planet. Fuck you, Warren Beatty. Fuck you. And, by the way, where was the orchestra that usually coaxes blowhards like you right off the stage?!? Alas, they were nowhere to be found. Perhaps they were washing your Bentley.

So, instead of enjoying the rest of the award show, I was forced to turn you off and watch some Scrubs. Hopefully, you'll enjoy what remains of you life by revelling in your good fortune and rubbing it in the faces of everyone you meet. I suppose that's what I would do, once I'm famous.

Thanks again for being a role model to us all.

Sincerely,

Flannery Alden
Celebrity Watch Dog

Proof That Justin Timberlake Has Brought Sexy Back

Because I want to see this movie despite all reason.

Beggers Can't Be Choosers

The pact has driven me to watch some movies I wouldn't ordinarily deign to see. Last week, at the Tiki, I found myself faced with a movie I wouldn't watch on a bet in pre-pact days. But, since deprivation has driven me to desperation for new movies, I went with it. Wanna know what it was?

Jackass Number 2.

At first, I felt trepidation. I am very squeemish and I can't stand to watch blood, guts, or pain. Or so I thought. I began the movie horrified. Then I was amazed at the stupidity of these guys and their crazy stunts. Then I started to root for them to get mauled. All the while, I was hooting and howling with laughter and sympathy, along with all the others at the Tiki.

I must say there were some scenes I had to leave the room for and I was not the only one, thank you very much. Some dudes left the room too. I kept thinking I should stop watching the movie but I couldn't completely walk away from it. There is some genuinely brilliant slapstick in this film. And it was worth it to hang in there for the musical number at the end, which included a tribute to my man, Buster Keaton. At the time I shouted at the screen, "Don't do an homage to Buster Keaton! That makes you legitimate! Stop it!" But the farther away in time I get from this movie, the more I came to appreciate it for its artistry.

What is wrong with me?

Invincible? I Recommend It...

It was a pretty standard sports movie in the vein of Rudy. It's all about the regular guy, Joe Public. I love underdog movies because I'm a good American and I love freedom. However what makes this movie surge ahead in the polls here at Prone 2 Whimsy are the shots of Mark Wahlberg in a wet t-shirt.

Rowr.

America: Stop It!

So now Apocalypto has received a Golden Globe nomination for best foriegn language film. This is so wrong. First of all, in my opinion, foriegn language films ought to come from foriegn language speaking artists. Oh, wait, I forgot! Mel Gibson does speak a foriegn language: crazy. Secondly, this nomination indicates that this picture is on the road to the Academy Awards. Sigh.

*****

Stop liking this movie, people! It's bad for the collective unconscious. And it contains rat hair.

I Blame Mel Gibson For This

12-year-old Fanning: I want to direct

He's obviously convinced everyone that if he can do it, so can they.