Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Dear Warren Beatty, I Bet You Think This Post Is About You

Congratulations on the recognition you received at the Golden Globe Awards last evening. Sadly, I was unable to view the coverage in its entirity; I lack the staff to properly organize every aspect of my life and, therefore, failed to view the show as it happened and lost the opportunity to set the DVR to record it. I missed all the red carpet kerfluffle and a majority of the award presentations. Fortunately, my poverty in both material goods and posse membership did not prevent me from viewing the results this morning on the internet. Two things pleased me much: J-Hud's award for Dream Girls and Mel Gibson's loss for his overblown, overrated and, obviously, flash-in-the-pan grab for artistic credibility, a.k.a. Apacolypto.

I suddenly remembered at around 10:00 p.m. that the award show was on and, being a rabid fan of award shows, I figured I ought to tune in; so I did. And I was just in time to view three quarters of the tongue bath given to you by Tom Hanks, who believes saying that someone has balls is somehow both risque and hilarious enough to repeat at least eight times during is pre-eulogy to you, the Promising New Star of 1962. And then I watched as you received the Cecille B. DeMille award for Over-The-Top Assholery (I hazzarded a guess as to what that award recognizes, as I missed the explanation of its significance. I'm pretty sure I'm dead on.). And your speech moved me to tell you this, Warren Beatty:


Oh. My. God. Please shut up!

I was humiliated for you by your obvious vanity and shallowness. Sure you may be a great actor/director/producer/screenwriter. But you seem to revel in your power like a pig lolling in mud. Frankly, it turned my stomach. The only respite during this 20 minute hubris-fest I felt was, when you were jabbing at my boy, Clint Eastwood, for being an overachiever, the cameras focused on the lovely visage of that old cowboy and TRUE TALENT and lost focus on you and your swaggering, swaying peacockery! Jesus, your speech made me long for a holier-than-thou address on Tibetan public school funding from Richard Gere! At least he has a cause other than himself and his own smarminess.

Your speech went on and on and all you talked about was how lucky you were to have access to just about everyone and everything on the planet. Fuck you, Warren Beatty. Fuck you. And, by the way, where was the orchestra that usually coaxes blowhards like you right off the stage?!? Alas, they were nowhere to be found. Perhaps they were washing your Bentley.

So, instead of enjoying the rest of the award show, I was forced to turn you off and watch some Scrubs. Hopefully, you'll enjoy what remains of you life by revelling in your good fortune and rubbing it in the faces of everyone you meet. I suppose that's what I would do, once I'm famous.

Thanks again for being a role model to us all.

Sincerely,

Flannery Alden
Celebrity Watch Dog

18 comments:

  1. hee, it was on in our house but I was listening to music and pointedly ignoring the TV.

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't WB do THIS EXACT SAME THING A FEW YEARS AGO?? I remember Nichelson doing a career retrospective of WB and when WB came on to say "a few words" he just BABBLED and BABBLED and BABBLED!! Word on the street wuz that the dude was on drugs or something.

    so, WE LET HIM DO IT AGAIN?! Fo' us once, shame on you. Fo' us twice, shame on US.

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  2. Actually, this was the only part I caught after turning off the DVR from 24, and I thought the exact same thing. This guy would suck his own cock if he could, and then brag about it! "I am so lucky to be able to suck my own cock, oh and make movies." jack ass.

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  3. Slinger: Hee! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

    BO: I think you're right. I think we need a resolution passed in Congress to never let WB speak publically and unscriptedly again!

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  4. I actually caught only snippets here and there of the Globes, including the only funny part of Warren Beatty's bit, about Arnold Schwarzenegger abiding by Beatty's wishes and becoming a Democrat (universal health care in California? Hey, only Nixon could have gone to China). But is it just me-- weren't the Golden Globes at one time more than just the usual "Hollywood people jerking one another off" that the Oscars are? And WTF was Warren trying to say?

    BTW, you are aware that Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" was written about Warren, aren't you?

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  5. I had heard that, Johnny Yen. She's so right. I should have titled this post "Dear Warren Beatty, I bet you think this post is about you..." Maybe I'll change it.

    I have no idea what he was trying to say other than "I'm awesome and it's awesome to be Warren Beatty."

    Bleach.

    Just as a rule of thumb: All Hollywood Award shows are about jerking each other off. In fact, I think all award ceremonies in general are about that. Even the Nobel Peace Prize awards.

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  6. That would be a brilliant title.

    Did you ever read "Doonesbury" comics? Garry Trudeau has done quite a number on Warren and his self-absorption and womanizing over the years.

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  7. Johnny Yen, I've taken your advice and changed the post title.

    I haven't read any Doonesbury, but it sounds like I probably should.

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  8. Whoa, you guys must be extremely ignorant. You really, really don't get it, do you?
    I hope it's just because you're young and you don't understand the innuendo and in-jokes and the intelligent banter type humor that's really very popular in the biz. We all laughed ourselves silly. The only thing that was off was his attempt to do Borat.
    Oh, and Carly Simon herself has said in 2005 that "You're so vain" was NOT about Beatty or Jagger and that it would be an anticlimax to most people if they'd find out who the real subject of the song is.
    She didn't volunteer the real name
    yet, though.

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  9. Hi Annonymous,

    I was aware of Carly Simon's assertion that that song was not about him, but it's part of pop culture lore, so I'll leave it at that.

    As far as being ignorant, I don't think I am. I'm a student of both celebrities and bullshit. I think I know what I'm talking about here. But if you found it funny, I'm happy for you. At least someone did.

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  10. http://news.greenvilleonline.com/blogs/link/2007/01/golden_globes.html

    Another person who gets it.

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  11. To My New Annonymous Friend:

    I assume you are referring to this article and this quote in particular:

    "Beatty's gracious speech (poking fun at Eastwood and Nicholson's productivity) reveals him to be a man absolutely comfortable with who he is."

    I totally agree that Beatty is comfortable with who he is. That is obvious. However, who he is, in my opinion is a total prick. I didn't necessarily think he was being very gracious in his speech. I understand he was trying to be funny, and some of it was. When he was ribbing Nicholson and Eastwood, that was mildly entertaining. But when he was basking in his celebrity and talking about all of the access he has because of it, it really left a bad taste in my mouth.

    When I think of gracious acceptance speeches, I think more along the lines of Halley Barry's Oscar acceptance speech. Something more heartfelt and warm than smarmy and self-serving.

    "He recalls receiving a Globe for being a promising newcomer in 1962, and jibes himself for making relatively few movies. He deserves and gets the night's biggest cheers."

    Whether he deserved and got the night's biggest cheers, I cannot say, as I didn't watch the show in its entirety. However, his speech left such a bad taste in my mouth that I turned the show off.

    Personally, I don't believe any sort of "aw shucks" that celebrities try to pull, especially someone like Beatty who knows he's good looking and accomplished. It's disingenuous. I would have preferred him to be less self-depricating; it doesn't suit him.

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  12. Wow. you REALLY didn't understand his speech. Mindboggling. He wasn't referring to how great he was, when he mentioned what his celebrity does for him in terms of opening doors. He was commenting on the entire concept of "celebrity-dom", i.e. if he hadn't become a star, just because he happens to work in this business, so many things would have been out of his reach.
    His comments to Eastwood, Hoffman and Nicholson ALL were made to mock himself i.e. self depreciating! You have no idea what you're talking about that he's so self serving. This is the guy who got physically ill, throwing up right before giving a press conference with Natalie Wood, after discovering a huge picture of the both of them on the front page of a major newspaper.
    This is a guy, who left the Beverly Wilshire hotel where he used to live for years through a back entrance to escape the paparazzi, who shopped for groceries ON FOOT while living in New York in the eighties, who helped several complete strangers when they had car trouble, who's called "Warren" by the personel behind the counter of his favorite delis and restaurants and who's fondly remembered by extras and crew members of many of his movies.
    I'm amazed how his self depreciating manner and speech can invoke such wrong ideas about him.

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  13. I think anonymous could be Warren himself.

    Let's check and see how big his balls are to verify.

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  14. Mel Gibson's people must have warned him about me.

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  15. Lord, juvenile humor. Okay. No, I'm not Warren and I'm not a fan. I happen to have been fortunate enough to work with him on several projects. A nobody way down in the chain of production. He's the greatest boss you'll find in the business because A) he doesn't act superior and B) he knows every facet of the business. Great guy, who remembers people's names, is genuinely interested in following up (like when he knows someone's had a problem of any kind.... He's the guy who'll direct you to better things in order to help you, like a better specialist, better garage, whatever. Nice, very knowledgeable about many subjects and unassuming. But of course you wouldn't be interested to hear that from somebody who's actually interacted with him. You'd rather stick to your prejudiced, uninformed opinion. Well, go ahead then, have your fantasy, because that's all that is.

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  16. Dear Annonymous,

    I'll take your word for it that WB is a great guy. I just didn't like his speech.

    I won't apologize for being juvenile, though. That's just who I am.

    Sincerely,
    Flannery Alden

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  17. Flannery,

    I love juvenile humor and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU!

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