Thursday, April 30, 2009

Springtime for Hitler and Germany

It's been a long week, ya'll. I've been working the late shift, which means I'm on my own for lunch. Also, about half our team was out for the beginning of the week. We weren't busy or anything. It was just quiet...too quiet. I'm also worried about a few friends whose bodies seem to be under invasion at the moment and victory is not necessarily a done deal. Then there's all this flu business. I tell you, it's put a real pall on the week.

But I'm not sad or depressed, really. I'm trying to keep myself occupied and focus on staying healthy myself and keeping the family healthy. This task has been made easier as I settle in each evening for another episode of the Black Adder, courtesy of Dr. Monkey Monk and his gal Sparky. Laughter is the best medicine right? The price is right, anyway.

I'm looking forward to meeting up with some of you in less than two weeks when I make my way to Chicago. I wish Doc could come with'd love him. But it'll be fun and I'm sure I'll be back to my vivacious self by then.

It's been chilly and rainy around here and I've been reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets to Riley. It's a dark and kind of spooky book, what with the development of the Nearly Headless Nick character and his Deathday Party. I'm thinking this too has something to do with my general mood.

But it's Friday and if the weather clears up, I'll be able to take the new mower for a spin this weekend. In the meantime, I'll keep my chin up and think of this:

Thursday, April 23, 2009

UPDATES: Blogger Meet Ups and The Blog Card

Hey, everyone! I'm back from Tennessee, home of Monkey Central: Playground of Dr. Monkey Muck. He and his lovely gal, Sparky, hosted me for a fabulous evening of food and laughs. It's fun to meet up with blogger buddies...they're strangers, but not strangers. We know a lot about each other, just not what it's like to be in the same room together.

The Good Doctor and Sparky kept me laughing and laughed at my silly self. We learned that we are all pretty much normal too, which is a comfort. Their home was lovely and cozy. We gabbed and gabbed and drank and I got the tour of Monkey Central and and a private showing of the impressive Swag collection. I actually got to sample a monkey mint, courtesly of GKL.

I'm glad they welcomed me into their home because the could have just as easily told me to shove it. See, I thought I was flying in on Monday, which is usually the way it works for business trips around here. I had all kinds of plans lined up. I had even packed. Then I learned Monday morning that the trip was actually for Tuesday...UGH! All that angst for nothing! I then spent Monday feeling like I may have slipped into a Final Destiny situation.

But all scheduling sins were forgiven and the Trip was a huge success.

So now that the girl's birthday party is over and I made it through my conference last week and a business trip this week, I finally found the time to send off the Blog Card. I'm ashamed to admit that I've had it for over two months. But it's on it's way to the lovely Bad Tempered, Snow-Covered Zombie, Barbara. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

As you may have noticed, I have a bit of a time management problem. But take heart, we got a new riding lawn mower that has reduced our grass mowing time from 4 hours to 13 minutes, if you consider the time it takes to do donuts in the monster during your victory lap around the lawn. Othewise, it only takes 11 minutes. I hope this improves my response time.

But back to the topic of blogetherness. I'm going to be in Olympian Fields, IL May 11th and 12th and my evenings will be free. I wonder if anyone in Chicago blogs...Let me know in the comments or via email at GREENPEARL42 at yahoo dot com if you want to get together.

And in other news, my co-workers have learned of my vendetta against Mel Gibson. I came back to work today to find that scraggly-assed picture of Mel Gibson tacked to my cube wall. A certain co-worker spearheaded this escapade, let's call him Buttercup. He's been surruptitiously planting pics of MG at my desk all day. I just keep taking them down and giving them back to him. He then tapes them up on his cabinet. He's going to have quite the collection.

So all's well in the kingdom as I settle into a new summer routine, filled with good will and a spring in my step. I'm lucky the people in my life both here and out there are endlessly entertaining and wonderful. Thanks for being the you that you are.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Conversations With Riley The Bureaucrat

"Mom, I need some help cleaning my room," Riley announced, clipboard in hand.


"Yes, do you want to be the janitor?" she asked after consulting her list.

"Uh, no!" I said.

"How about doorman?"

"What else you got?"

"Librarian?" she said, "I've already got 'job-giver' filled..."

"Librarian it is," I said.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I'm Guessing This IS his fault...

I suppose it was inevitable. Though I'm always usually bummed out by stories of divorce, celebrity or otherwise, I find myself underwhelmed by this announcement. It's like having Yahoo news telling me: OMG! It's morning and the sun is rising! In the east!
I figured his wife must have felt that his continued assholery was simply beyond thunderdome. She knew she wouldn't be forever young and was tired of spending the year living dangerously. I imagine that she was having a heart-to-heart with Mrs. Soffel by the river about how old Mel was a maverick with a leathal weapon. She probably wanted to stick it out rather than go on a chicken run, but she needed payback for all the conspiracy theories. She was tired of feeling like a bird on a wire. So now she'll take her ransom and Gallipoli off into the sunset.
Best of luck, former Mrs. G. Enjoy your FRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOMMMMM!
This post is dedicated to Cormac Brown for all he started with Bad Lieutenant's Wife. Happy early birthday, CB!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

The Things You See When You Haven't Got Your Gun

So, I'm waiting in at the second drive-through window at Burger King. I'd already paid for my hamburger and drink. I was watching the people work, as I am wont to do, when my eyes fell upon this memo unwisely posted within my line of sight:


I've been reviewing the tapes from the surveillance cameras and I am disappointed to find many violations of the rules including: not wearing gloves when preparing food, not washing hands and eating in the food preparation area. These are all disciplinary problems. I will now be watching the surveillance tapes daily in order to monitor the situation. Consider this your verbal warning.


Two things went through my mind when I read this:
  1. Dammit, I've already paid for my food and I'm too cheap to drive off in a huff of moral indignation and mysophobic panic

  2. Wow, I'm glad I don't work there.

I took comfort in the notion that it was highly likely that Todd was able to get compliance to the basic health rules by threatening to monitor the workers constantly and then making good on it. Perhaps people are wearing gloves now, or at the very least, washing their hands regularly.

A girl can hope, right?

Or did the Team go overboard and take a page out of this asshat's book...

Oh, the humanity!

Monday, April 06, 2009

Whatever Happened to the Red Phone?

I was watching an episode of Murder, She Wrote last night that centered around the top secret doings of MI5. Jessica had found a body in a hotel room near hers during her visit to London. She of course reported it to the police, but by the time the police arrived the body was gone! This happened to her again later (same body, this time in the kitchen). The police started to warn her about making false reports to the police and how she could get arrested for it. She threatens to go to the press and make it all public.

This is enough for the police to call a bemulleted sleazeball and tell him that that "Fletcher woman" is getting too close for comfort. Herr Mullet rings off from the inspector and picks up the handset of the Red Phone. It requires no dialling for him to reach an old man sipping brandy in a leather chair. They blathered on being purposefully obtuse in order to mislead the viewers to think they wanted to harm Jessica rather than ask her for help in their investigations.

I was immediately distracted by the red phone. How long since I had seen one on TV or in a movie, even ironically? I can't recall, actually. Was there one in Get Smart? I'm not sure...Have we as a people outlived the need for this direct line to some old white guy? What with speed dial, it kind of takes the punch out of the one-line red phone, doesn't it? Besides, what if you're out to lunch at the deli, having a reuben with chips and a pickle and you suddenly see arch enemy number 4 drinking coffee at the next table? Wouldn't you grab your cell, snap a photo and send it to the old fart with an accompanying "OMG guess who I just saw!" rather than choke down your lunch (or abandon it all together), rush back to the office building, flash a badge at security, make your way to the basement, open the secret door behind the out-of-order vending machine, slide down the pole, hop in the mine cart, careen down the steel tracks past the cubicle farms into your office to pick up the red handset to call the old man and get some kind of lip back like, "Are you sure it's #4?"

I'm thinking the cell phone has killed the red phone. It makes me sad in a way, however. I have a real strong nostalgic reaction to 70's and 80's office equipment. I love the rubber fingers that help you flip through paper work, the stamp pads and rubber stamps, the postage stamp moistener, the postage scale, typewriters, and spindles upon which to spear receipts. Having spent a good portion of my childhood playing under the desks in my Grandpa's insurance office probably has a good deal to do with my fascination with this stuff. It probably made me the bureaucrat I am today.

Maybe I'll have one of those red phones installed in tribute to the glory days of communication with one individual that is so important it has a dedicated phone line. Who should it call? I'm thinking Ryan Seacrest. Who would your red phone connect to?