Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
Worship me, bitches!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
As I sit here drinking my Christmas Diet Coke, I'm thinking about all of you lovely people. I'm looking forward to a couple of busy days and I'm not sure I'll get the chance to write much until later. But I wanted to capture a few things and lay them out here.
First and foremost, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I hope all the hard work and stress pays off. Even if you don't celebrate Chistmas, I hope you have a lovely day off. I wish for you a Christmas Miracle. Perhaps you find your keys without turning the house upside down. Maybe a dashing young man or a brave lady will save your life. No matter what the size and scope of the miracle, recognize it and honor it by declaring out loud to yourself or your family: I've found my keys! It's a Christmas Miracle!
Secondly, I invite you to listen to this song and think about all those people who can't be with you today. Remember the good times you've had with them. Give them a call, if you can, and raise a glass in their name.XOXOX
PS: I hope Santa brings you everything you asked for.
Friday, December 22, 2006
- 12/20/06: Bah Humbug Repellant
- 12/19/06: Some Stuff I learned From Books
- 11/20/06: If Loving Reality TV Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right
- 10/19/06: Places I'd Take My Blogfriends, If They Came To Visit Me
- 9/19/06: Avast, Ye Scurvy Dogs!
- 9/1/06: Untitled, I might have to post this...
- 8/22/06: My Friends Are Great, Despite What They Think
- 6/28/06: My Haikus Are So Aggressive
- 6/20/06: Beggars Can't Be Choosers
- 4/29/06: Spiderman and Me? We're Like This
- 4/6/06: Mandisa's Ousting On American Idol Restores My Faith In America's Youth
- 3/5/06: My Passion For The Christ (A Review of a college theater performance of JC Superstar)
- 2/15/06: Song of the Day (Harden My Heart, by Quarterflash)
- 1/17/06: I Would Raise An Army Of Zombies To Take Out Count Dracula
What's in your draft pile?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Reasons I'm An Ass...
- I watch horrible TV shows when I could be doing something constructive.
- I don't always speak up when I should.
- I pay bills late and get charged a fee, even when I have the money and no good reason why I can't pay them on time.
- I let myself get worked up about things of no consequence.
Here is evidence of assiness that is entirely my own:
- I wait until the last moment to get things done.
- I let certain minute personality quirks and bad fashion drive me to hatred.
- I never return my library books in on time.
- I've always got a zinger loaded and sometimes I pull the trigger before I think about the consequences
- I screen my calls.
- In order to alleviate my road rage, I've convinced myself that no one on the road is capable of courtesy and most don't know the rules. So, when they cut me off, I think things like, "Father, forgive them; they know not what they are doing." (By the way: this is a very effective tactic)
Others? Please add them to the comments...
And now, my girl, Dirty Tagged me with some Alphabet Soup:
A-Available or single? Neither
B-Best Friend? I have more than one! Don't make me choose!
C-Cake or pie? Cake
D-Drink of choice? Diet Coke or Riesling
E-Essential item I use every day...Computer
F-Favorite color? Blue
G-Gummy Bears or Gummy worms? Gummy Bears
H-Hometown? Canton, Ohio.
I-Indulgence...Golden Crisp Potato Chips.
J-January or February? January
K-Kids and names: Riley & Lucy
L-Life is incomplete without? I don't know...this question makes no sense. I suppose it's incomplete if you die before you do everything you want to. One thing I want to do before I die? See a live drag show.
M-Marriage date...October 25, 1997
N-Number of siblings...NONE!
O-Oranges or apples? Apples
P-Phobias or fears? Heights
Q-Favorite quote? "Be advised, I'm mean nasty and tired. I eat concertina wire and piss napalm and I could put a round through a flea's ass at 300 meters. So why don't you hump somebody else's leg, mutt-face, before I push yours in." Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge, a highly underrated film.
R-Reasons to smile...1. to offer a friendly visage to a stranger, 2. your kid says something sweet/cute/wonderful, 3. someone's taking a picture, 4. you just won the lottery, 5. to cover up for something
U-Unknown fact about me...I love the movie Bring It On.
V-Vegetable you don't like...Green Beans.
Y-Your favorite food? Chiptole Tacos.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Why the fuck would someone ruin a perfectly good powdered sugar donut by putting a nostril-load of jelly in the middle of it?
Comments (edited for clarity):
Big Orange said...
I like the adjective "nostril load". That's just delightful! did you borrow it or didja' make it up yo'self?
Flannery Alden said...
I came up with the noun "nostril-load" all by myself (I'm sure my Mom will be so proud).
Big Orange said...
also, is it "donuts" or "doughnuts"?? Also (putting on pedantic hat now), isn't "nostril-load" in the sentence "a nostril-load of jelly" an adjective describing "jelly"?? You can have a nostril load as a noun, but doesn't it function as an adj in this context?(keepin a death grip on them Pedantry Points)(had to delete last comment for a grammar error!! for shame, for shame!!)
Flannery Alden said...
::deep breath::Prepare yourself for the sword of grammar!
If you look at the sentence, you will see the phrase that concerns us: "...putting a nostril-load of jelly..." The phrase itself is a noun, or rather, the object of the preposition "by". Nostril-load is the object of the gerund "putting". It is a noun. A nostril-load is a thing. "Of jelly" is an adjectival phrase modifying the noun nostril-load. So, actually "of jelly" is the adjective here, a postmodifier to the noun nostril-load. Actually, nostril is being used as an adjective in this case because it describes size of the load, but since I combined nostril with load, I created a noun or more specifically a compound. I'll take my pedant point now, please, to go.
Flannery Alden said...
And donut is a variant of doughnut. Both spellings are acceptable.
Big Orange said...
Hey! Watch where you point that thing! The SoG is SHARP!::sorts thru pedantry point box for some of the less shiny ones::here ya' go...
Tonight! We sail, Ho's!
Elliott Yamin, American Idol Finalist
I had just arrived in Atlantic City for a sales conference. I was travelling on a charter bus with a large group of people, including my neighbors Wally and Ms. Snap and their children. We got off the bus downtown and I was so psyched to be there, I handed my bags over to Wally and asked them to check me in while I checked out the city.
As I was walking down the street, I ran into Elliott Yamin and we just hit it off. He really wanted to show me the sights, so we made our way to the first casino we saw. I followed Elliott as he walked toward the door (he was wearing his hoodie, I noticed), I started to sing to myself, "Well, they blew up the chicken man in Philly last night..."
Elliott led me into a small cabaret dance hall. It was pretty shabby. The room was about 50 feet long and about 20 feet deep. There were four rows of about 20 seats. The stage was bare but brightly lit. Once we sat down, the show started. The first show, Lady Spider, started with about twenty dancers all in one caterpillar costume. Each dancer provided a pair of legs to the worm and they writhed around the stage. Eventually, there were cheapo pyrotechnics and the caterpiller disappeared and the Lady spider appeared and began to sing a punk/torch song.
As the next act was coming on, Elliott and I decided to leave. As we exited the casino, I remembered I had a $27 poker chip my Dad had given me. It was left over from his trip to Las Vegas and it was from the Banyan casino. The chip was green with a white paint in the middle. There was a abstract banyan tree, similar to the logo from the Palms Casino, and the number 27 underneath it.
Before we got to the Banyan, Elliott wanted to stop by his place first. He lived in a narrow basement apartment with two crack whores. He settled in to have some crack himself. He offered me some and told him no way. He started extolling the virtues of crack and I got disgusted and left.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I'm so glad to share the space with you at this moment. I'm practically dazzled by your diamond cufflinks and/or ruby brooches. Your manicured fingers flit for emphasis as you regale me with tales of your exotic adventures. I am left reeling by simply estimating in my head the possible costs incurred for hiring a personal rail car that hauls your well-toned ass across the country while insulating you from the hoi polloi. Really. I'm impressed.
I'm also thankful that you deem to share your stories with me. My eyes have been opened to a world that I will probably never get to visit. Your trips to the Carribean make my trips to the Mexican border pale in comparison. I've seen the Canadian Parliment building and sat in on a session. You've hung out with MP's. Real British MP's, not the British Lite (Canadian) ones. You've met mayors and sheiks. I've met Maynard's with the shakes.
Still, I've always felt that I could hold my head high around you. I never felt inflamed that you get a tax break for every hummer you buy. I've never begrudged you the opportunity to buy me lunch. I've laughed at your tales of hobnobbing with the goobershmoosers. I respect you for who you are.
But, here is where I draw the line: Please don't complain to me about your hired help. Don't try to get my sympathy when your butler scuffs the woodwork because he forgot to take off his shoes in your home. Don't try to make me laugh at the way your maid decides to clean your plush wool carpeting with dishwashing detergeant. I cannot commiserate with you here. I cannot find joy in these stories. So stop it.
Card Carrying Member of the Lower Middle Class
Monday, December 18, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I pinched this quiz from Big Orange...
by Hermann Hesse
You simply don't know what to believe, but you're willing to try
anything once. Western values, Eastern values, hedonism and minimalism, you've spent
some time in every camp. But you still don't have any idea what camp you belong in.
This makes you an individualist of the highest order, but also really lonely. It's
time to chill out under a tree. And realize that at least you believe in
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Edited to add: this is more me!
You're Loosely Based!
by Storey Clayton
While most people haven't heard of you, you're a really good and
interesting person. Rather clever and witty, you crack a lot of jokes about the world
around you. You do have a serious side, however, where your interest covers the homeless
and the inequalities of society. You're good at bringing people together, but they keep
asking you what your name means.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Angels we have heard on high...
This is how we celebrate our freedom at our house...
Friday, December 15, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I've added Johnny Yen to the links list! I am inspired by his ability to say highly witty and highly inappropriate things at the same time and at the right moment.
You are The High Priestess
Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.
The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
- Turn off cell phones, TV's, etc.
- Try not to interrupt
- Try to remain objective
- Don't yell or throw things
- Try to keep going, even if it gets a bit uncomfortable, but also know when it's time to give each other space and cool off
- Try to identify the problem before offering solutions
- Respect each other's opinions and emotions; honor them as valid
- Promise to keep everything said in the fight confidential; don't go running to tell tales out of school
- Don't roll your eyes
- Don't point fingers
- No name calling
- Come up with a plan for the future that all can agree to
- If someone starts crying, immediately call a time out and hug that person til they stop
- Keep your values in your back pocket and don't compromise them for the sake of peace and quiet
Monday, December 11, 2006
Terry Cross. Terry was my best friend's dad. He looked a bit like Harvey Corman. He used to restore classic cars and golf. He had a dark tan and dimples. I believe he was the first dimpled man to move my heart. He smoked merit cigarettes and loved Jackie Gleason. He also thought I was funny. Of course, nothing ever came of this. He was at least 30 years older than me.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Turan's review got me to thinking about why I'm currently pissed off at Gibson. It started with the Passion of the Christ. I was very angry at him for making that movie, but I could never pinpoint why, other than this: I understand that Christ suffered on the cross; I don't need to see it in full technicolor with digital accuracy in order to get the point. But even after expressing this thought, I still felt huffy about that movie. Now I know why.
If you look at the scope of this man's career, nearly all of his movies are ripe with violence, excepting only "What Women Want." There may be more films that aren't violent, but I can't be bothered to seek them out right now, I'm too mad. When he made his first big move to director with Braveheart, he was hailed as a new visionary who approached historical battles with heart-stopping accuracy. Braveheart was a decent movie, and I tolerated the violence in it because I love freedom. However, when the Patriot came out, it was just as violent, yet not so good on the history. Not so good on the plot, either, because, I could never sit through it in its entirity. Then came The Passion of the Christ. And he lost me.
It is my theory that this man has a hard-on for violence and he's just looking for a historical background to set it in to give it legitimacy. The drawn-out eviscerations, the tortures, the stabbing, the primative open-heart surgery. Do we really need to see all this to appreciate the culture and heritage of the time? And while we are on historical accuracy, who died and made Mel Gibson Herotodus? How the hell does he know what life was really like back then? He doesn't. Nobody without a time machine does. He's sold us all on how he "researches" the cultures and works toward the most accurate depiction of life in the olden days. However, his "historically accurate" epic motion pictures are simply million dollar playgrounds available for him to indulge in his violence fetish. He's not adding anything of substance to the conversation of the rise and fall of civilizations; he is only adding garbage to the landfill of smut and evil that threatens to spill over us all.
So do me a favor, please: Save civilization; don't go see this movie.
Thank you, The Blogger Team, for not fucking up.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
- I can vividly remember being potty trained. I was probably one and a half to two years old. I remember my Mom sitting me on the toilet and singing: "Tinkle, tinkle little star..." I remember the feeling that I knew she wanted me to do something, but I had no idea what it was. I always enjoyed her singing.
- I used to make my right hand and my left fight for the right to color. I was probably about two or three. I believe I did this because I have crossed dominance, that is, I write with my right hand, I kick with my left foot, I aim with my left eye, yet I shoot right-handed (I've had to learn how to aim right-eyed). At any rate, I would have to referee fights between my left and right hands, before I could even begin to color.
- I've never cut school, except for one time. I left my band uniform at home and we had to perform for a school assembly in the afternoon. So, after band, I jumped into my 1979 Firebird and sped the 2 miles home to get it.
- When I was 10, I went to the Y's horse camp for three days. I was very excited to hop on a horse and ride with the wind. When it comes to speed, I am fearless: downhill skiing, driving, etc. Usually, I jump at the chance to go very fast, which I certainly had the opportunity to do at horse camp. However, I got stuck with an appaloosa mare named Babycakes, of all things. She was huge and grumpy and I was truly intimidated by Babycakes. Especially after she stepped on my foot and stood on it for about a minute and a half, while I beat on her hind quarters with my little fists. I spent the duration of camp volunteering for stable duty instead of riding.
A side note, I have a boney bump on the outside edge of each foot and at the end of my row of toes. This makes it look like I'm missing a toe on each foot, because it looks like there's room for one more. The camp counselor who examined my foot thought it was broken, but that's just the way my foot was shaped. It didn't really hurt that bad; I was wearing sturdy cowboy boots after all. But I didn't want to ride that bitch, so I faked that my injury was worse than it was and they let me hang out in the stables by myself most of the time.
- Elizabeth knows this, but maybe you all don't. About 12 years ago, I faked it at a seance once. I based all my communications from beyond on tiny details I knew about everyone in the room that they probably forgot they even told me. I really freaked everyone out and I didn't come clean about it til this past year.
Sheesh. I'm a huge faker.
I tag Elizabeth. I owe her one for being such a good sport and not kickin my ass over the seance thing.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
However, I do stop short of rushing to get out of cars' way when they have to cross into my territory: the sidewalk. I was walking into work this morning, past the entrance to the parking garage. I was inclined to pick up the pace becuase there were several cars waiting to enter. But then I looked down at the sidewalk and noticed dark patches. Those could be wet spots, those could be ice. I slowed my pace further. The cars could wait. I was not going to take the chance by rushing along the sidewalk, thinking it was just wet, and realizing after my ass hit the pavement, that yes, it was wet, but also frozen.
I advise you to do the same. When walking the frozen tundra, if you happen to live in one, take your time and choose your steps. Afterall, I would hate to see you get hurt. I would hate even more for you to look stupid, laying on the ground with your feet in the air. Trust me, it's humiliating and, in the immortal words of the Dirk Gently, you're better off being a little bit late with your dignity intact than on time and a mess.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Thanks to Frank; I'm it!
Popcorn or Candy? Popcorn, of course.
Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Maltese Falcon
Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. The dress Bette Davis is wearing in this picture from All About Eve:
Your favorite film franchise is: Harry Potter
Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?
- John Irving: best writer ever (he won an oscar for screenwriting Cider House Rules)
- Owen Wilson: I think he's smart, hot, and funny.
- Lindsay Lohan: I've been a fan for years.
- Liza Minelli: Oh, the stories she'd tell!
- Denzel Washington: I just want to look into his eyes when he talks.
It will be a summer evening and we will have Asian Barbeque Chicken, Caesar Salad, and blackberry sherbet for desert. And booze, lots and lots of booze (except for Lindsay, she's trying to dry out).
What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
Choose a female bodyguard: Angelina Jolie
What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? The scene at the end of Silence of the Lambs when Jodie Foster is walking around the killer's house in the dark. Freaked my shit out.
Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama"): Drag Queen movies.
You are given the power to green-light movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? No focus group screenings. I think the results would be fascinating.
Bonnie or Clyde? Neither, thank you.
This quiz was made for you, Doc; you're it!
It took me longer to get to work today than it took these knuckleheads to get lost at sea, thanks to the first major snowfall of the year. There were no accidents to speak of. The highways were plowed and salted. However downtown roads were sloppy and obviously not tended to. It would be interesting to do a queueing study on what the hell happened.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Here's my iPod party shuffle for this snowy Monday morning:
- Ode to Billy Joe, The Buddy Rich Big Band
- Like That, The Black Eyed Peas
- Flamenco Sketches, Miles Davis
- All the Girls Love Alice, Elton John
- Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks, Panic! At the Disco
- Get Together, Madonna
- They Don't Want Music, The Black Eyed Peas with James Brown
- Chelsea Bridge, The Buddy Rich Big Band
- Chiquitita, ABBA
- This Is the Night, Clay Aiken
- Somthin' Just Ain't Right, Earl Scrugs with Randy Scruggs
- Nostalgia, Yanni
- Another Cuppa, The Wiggles
- Veinte Anos, The Buena Vista Social Club
- Rhythm Nation, Janet Jackson
I've gotten so used to writing everyday that now I can't stop. I don't really have much to say this morning, but I'm compelled to type none the less. I do have this to report, though: My novel is up to 28 pages. So, I've got that going for me.
Thanks, Nablopomo, for forcing me to write, when I have nothing to say.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
I've had a slight tickle in my throat since Black Friday. I was just bragging yesterday, that I seem to have warded off the cold that usually follows. Alas, I was hit full force by the wrecking ball that is the common cold. So, I'm sitting in my house, just me and the cat for the first time that I can remember in the past four years and what am I doing? Watching Blue's Clues.
Yeah, I'm sick.
Edited to add: I'm saved! There's an America's Next Top Model marathon on VH1.
Friday, December 01, 2006
I enjoyed our heated discussion on the phone this morning regarding footnotes. If you recall, I noted strongly that I find footnotes to be distracting and a pain in the ass to locate, due to the great length of most of your posts. You claimed that they were perfectly OK to use and you were within the rules of good writing. You suggested I check my APA Style Guide for verification. I was sure the APA Style Guide strictly forbad them, and said so, claiming to have some expertise in the use of this guide.
While I am expert in preparing references and text that align with the rules presented by the APA, my knowledge is lacking with regard to footnotes, as I refuse to use them. However, in the interest of truth, I decided to consult the APA Style Guide and put this issue to rest. While the APA has not strictly forbidden them, they do discourage their use:
Content footnotes supplement or amplify substantive information in the text; they should not include complicated irrelevant or nonessential information. Because they are distracting to readers and expensive to include in printed material, such footnotes should convey just one idea; if you find yourself creating paragraphs or displaying equations as you are writing a footnote, then the main text or an appendix probably would be a more suitable place to present your information. Another alternative to consider is to indicate in a short footnote that the material is available from the author. In most cases, an author integrates an article best by presenting important information in the text, not in a footnote. [emphasis mine]. (202)
And so it would seem that you are technically right, but I am more right. As a writer, you are a servant of the reader, to a degree. In order to convey a message with the highest chances of successful reception, it's best not to make your poor, addled, busy, and short-attention-spanned readers go looking for bits of information at the bottom of your extraordinarily long posts.
However, it's your blog, you can do what you want. Just know that I will not make the effort to check out footnotes in context; I can't be bothered with all that extra scrolling. I will read them at the end of the post, but by then, they will be a non sequitorian jumble in my head. I do have one request, however, in future: leave me the fuck out of the footnotes.
For the first time since I've been watching Survivor (since Season 3 Survivor Africa), I have been entirely satisfied with the way events are unfolding. If you haven't been watching, I sincerly pity you the absence of this fine experience in your life. If you'd like to catch up (there's still time with seven Survivors left), you can read the recaps of this delicious season at one of the best resources out there: Television Without Pity. If you have been watching: call me; we have a lot to discuss.
However, if you don't have the time to plow through the recaps (you should make the time, really; there is no excuse), I will hit the highlights of the season:
- Tribes were divided by race, causing much discomfort for all involved (discomfort for the Survivors=fun for the viewer)
- The racial divide was abandoned in the third episode, yet there were some bonds remaining based on race, in particular: "team whitey"
- Exile Island has been used very effectively this time around
- The person who found the Hidden Immunity Idol (Yul, pictured above) is actually using it to change the game.
- The smart and hard-working people have the lazy, annoying people on the run, even after they smart ones were at a formidible disadvanatage numbers-wise at the merge
- Jeff Probst is totally on his game, dispite his famously bad taste in hats
- Tribal Councils have been full of vitriol and name-calling
- The canoodlers have been split up and shall not control the game ala Boston Rob and Amber
- Each episode has made me look forward to the next one
But the best part of this season is Yul. He is supersmart, kind of dorky and knows how the hell to influence people. He is a master at lining people up and pointing them in a direction that they all believe they will benefit from. He knows that, in order to be successful in this game, you need to align with people whose behavior is predictable and upon whom he can rely not to get a wild hair up the ass and do something crazy. He also checks and rechecks his strategy and makes adjustments on the run. His spectacular gameplay has been a joy to watch.
God, I love this show!