Are You Ready For The Apocalypse?

If Mel Gibson has taught us anything, it's that it's a dog eat dog world out there and we're all wearing Milkbone boxer shorts. There's this impending panic vibe permeating the atmosphere. I log on to my Yahoo email account, and where I used to get updates on Britney Spears and cat rescue stories, I'm now getting faced with dire warnings from very stern looking politicians. It's the topic du jour. It's so widespread, that it's even starting to worry the unflappable Coaster Punchman, and that just won't do.

I say we get ready for the inevitable. Taking my cues from Hollywood's portrayal of life after society crashes and burns, I will provide you with a list of things you will need once the shit hits the fan:

• Go ahead and start the paperwork now for that gun. Beat the rush, is what I always say. You're going to need that gun so you don't have to stock-pile food.


• Buy lip balm in bulk. Post-apocalypts always have dry and chaffed lips, so prepare for it


• Get an animal to transport you around, but not a horse. Make it a mule or a St. Bernard, something quirky to enhance your own image


• Make notes now on what you'd like your post-apocalyptic community to be like. Chances are, no one will no what do, so if you have a plan, you can set it up the way you want it.


• Start making up new words for old things. Like start calling water "life juice" and triscuits "flav-o-fibes."


• It's possible the blog-o-sphere will collapse or you won't have internet access anymore, so it's important to find another way to express yourself. Try going old school with a journal or the town's water tower


• Start looking at your possessions as currency. Unload the heavy things now (trade it for gold, or some other substance you think might be valuable after the crash, like Ramen Noodles) or set them aside to burn for heat this winter.


• Memorize survival books so you can start a fire, bind a wound, recognize edible plants without the aid of a lighter, bandages or a waiter, respectively. Also practice doing these things ahead of time so you remove the ill effects of performance anxiety. You're going to want to be successful so you don't get killed by the ragtag group that's going to follow you around.


• Start referring to yourself as your Blogger username. This is a time to reinvent yourself. If your username is the same as your real name, like say Grant Miller, come up with something else, like "Skinny McKnees."


• Come up with a plan to overthrow tyranny that involves guerilla tactics and locals in loin cloths. If we're going to ctrl+alt+delete society, we need to be ready to take on the assholes who will try to bully themselves to to the top.

Those should keep you busy and away from the TV for a while. Let me know how they work out. Also, if you have any other ideas, I'd sure be glad to read them.

Survivor Cook Islands: The Best Season Ever

For the first time since I've been watching Survivor (since Season 3 Survivor Africa), I have been entirely satisfied with the way events are unfolding. If you haven't been watching, I sincerly pity you the absence of this fine experience in your life. If you'd like to catch up (there's still time with seven Survivors left), you can read the recaps of this delicious season at one of the best resources out there: Television Without Pity. If you have been watching: call me; we have a lot to discuss.

However, if you don't have the time to plow through the recaps (you should make the time, really; there is no excuse), I will hit the highlights of the season:

• Tribes were divided by race, causing much discomfort for all involved (discomfort for the Survivors=fun for the viewer)
• The racial divide was abandoned in the third episode, yet there were some bonds remaining based on race, in particular: "team whitey"
• Exile Island has been used very effectively this time around
• The person who found the Hidden Immunity Idol (Yul, pictured above) is actually using it to change the game.
• The smart and hard-working people have the lazy, annoying people on the run, even after they smart ones were at a formidible disadvanatage numbers-wise at the merge
• Jeff Probst is totally on his game, dispite his famously bad taste in hats
• Tribal Councils have been full of vitriol and name-calling
• The canoodlers have been split up and shall not control the game ala Boston Rob and Amber
• Each episode has made me look forward to the next one

But the best part of this season is Yul. He is supersmart, kind of dorky and knows how the hell to influence people. He is a master at lining people up and pointing them in a direction that they all believe they will benefit from. He knows that, in order to be successful in this game, you need to align with people whose behavior is predictable and upon whom he can rely not to get a wild hair up the ass and do something crazy. He also checks and rechecks his strategy and makes adjustments on the run. His spectacular gameplay has been a joy to watch.

God, I love this show!