Friday, September 26, 2008

Are You Ready For The Apocalypse?

If Mel Gibson has taught us anything, it's that it's a dog eat dog world out there and we're all wearing Milkbone boxer shorts. There's this impending panic vibe permeating the atmosphere. I log on to my Yahoo email account, and where I used to get updates on Britney Spears and cat rescue stories, I'm now getting faced with dire warnings from very stern looking politicians. It's the topic du jour. It's so widespread, that it's even starting to worry the unflappable Coaster Punchman, and that just won't do.

I say we get ready for the inevitable. Taking my cues from Hollywood's portrayal of life after society crashes and burns, I will provide you with a list of things you will need once the shit hits the fan:

  • Go ahead and start the paperwork now for that gun. Beat the rush, is what I always say. You're going to need that gun so you don't have to stock-pile food.

  • Buy lip balm in bulk. Post-apocalypts always have dry and chaffed lips, so prepare for it

  • Get an animal to transport you around, but not a horse. Make it a mule or a St. Bernard, something quirky to enhance your own image

  • Make notes now on what you'd like your post-apocalyptic community to be like. Chances are, no one will no what do, so if you have a plan, you can set it up the way you want it.

  • Start making up new words for old things. Like start calling water "life juice" and triscuits "flav-o-fibes."

  • It's possible the blog-o-sphere will collapse or you won't have internet access anymore, so it's important to find another way to express yourself. Try going old school with a journal or the town's water tower

  • Start looking at your possessions as currency. Unload the heavy things now (trade it for gold, or some other substance you think might be valuable after the crash, like Ramen Noodles) or set them aside to burn for heat this winter.

  • Memorize survival books so you can start a fire, bind a wound, recognize edible plants without the aid of a lighter, bandages or a waiter, respectively. Also practice doing these things ahead of time so you remove the ill effects of performance anxiety. You're going to want to be successful so you don't get killed by the ragtag group that's going to follow you around.

  • Start referring to yourself as your Blogger username. This is a time to reinvent yourself. If your username is the same as your real name, like say Grant Miller, come up with something else, like "Skinny McKnees."

  • Come up with a plan to overthrow tyranny that involves guerilla tactics and locals in loin cloths. If we're going to ctrl+alt+delete society, we need to be ready to take on the assholes who will try to bully themselves to to the top.

Those should keep you busy and away from the TV for a while. Let me know how they work out. Also, if you have any other ideas, I'd sure be glad to read them.


  1. I am not sure if a banking melt-down will lead to zombies (no radiation or bad anti-cancer drugs), so I guess I don't need a shotgun and a handgun will do.

    Thanks for these tips Flan, I have already printed them out and posted them on my soon-to-be-useless-without-power-refrigerator!

  2. Good call on the Chapstick, but we forgot to address wardrobe and the rule that you can only wear dirty, dark clothing in many layers with no regard to the current climate.

    I didn't realize you were an Ohioan...

  3. 1. Have gun. Check.
    2. Have lipbalm surplus. It's M&M flavored.
    3. Need animal.
    4. Have plan. It mirrors the plot of the film, "The Postman".
    5. Have kids invent names, I'm too busy building the cistern. Check.
    6. Keep journal, but it's mostly full of cartoons. Check
    7. Lots of books and wood furniture for fuel this winter. Check.
    8. Survival books memorized, but I need to brush up on my edible plants. Check.
    9. Doc, because I have lots of first aid kits and I talk like the leader of the seven dwarves.
    10. I have obvious leadership skills as I can skin a buck, run a trout line, start a fire with next to nothing, make explosives, am an excellent campfire cook, know how to lay down suppressing fire, can dig foxholes, set up snares and boobytraps, and tell a mean campfire story.

    All told, I think we are going to be okay. I've got three years worth of Ramen noodles stocked up in the basement.

    And on the way home tonight dear, could you pick up some 12 gauge shells?


    P.S.- Should the world go to hell, you are all invited to our place to hold up until it blows over, but please bring beer.

  4. Skyler's Dad- But can you hit anything with your handgun?


  5. I live in LA, so I already do all of these things.

  6. Doc: Would it surprise you to know that I qualified as "expert" on the Navy range with a .45?

  7. I'm sitting here giggling in my office. One of my colleagues told me to forward whatever was so funny, and of course I can't reveal my identity as CP so I just had to read some of your items aloud. Good times!

  8. Doc, by the way, I knew I liked you already, but knowing (from this thread and the one at Coaster Punchman) that you're a shotgun man really clinches it.

    Call me old fashioned, but I still love the shotgun.

  9. SD: You're welcome. I hope you will be able to find the printout when all hell breaks loose.

    Mombi: You're right, of course! And yes, I'm born and raised in too?

    Bubs: Thank're wonderful!

    Doc: This is why I married you.

    Vikki: You do seem prepared for anything...I've seen the axe you keep next to your desk.

    CP: I'm so glad to hear you laughing. You inspried this post, don't you know. xoxox

  10. Skyler's Dad- I am not in the least bit surprised that a country boy knows how to handle a gun, and you have to admit that a .45 1911A1 is hard to hold on to, let alone pull expert, but I'm still not the least bit surprised.

    Bubs- I grew up shooting clay pidgeons and you have to respect the 12.


  11. I plan to train cockroaches to be my unholy army of the night and steal Twinkies for me. I believe Twinkies will be the "power currency" of the post-apocalyptic world, they're gold in color and they last forever.

    What we MUST do, however, is learn how to recycle people for energy and food.

    "Hey kids, it's time for breakfast! Come and eat your Soylent Green before it gets cold!"

  12. I disagree with the animal plan only because you will eventually get into a situation where you'll need to get away from something very quickly and a horse can haul ass much faster than a St. Bernard.

    I'm all about the Escape From LA-style of handling the assholes who rise from the ashes. And just an FYI before all that starts, if you live near the ghetto and aren't afraid to go in it, you don't need to worry about "paperwork".

  13. You don't need to stock up on lipbalm.
    Those little tubes have some kind of magic in them that makes them last forever. So you only need like 5...

  14. Luckily, my mom is an Avon lady, so I get lip balm in bulk, and I don't have to pay for it.

  15. Paper work? The last thing the apocalypse needs is more paper work.

    I will lay in some Chapstick though. (Would this be a good time to repeat Russell Brand's joke from the VMAs? Probably not...) I've got lips like a baby, and nobody's gonna smooch Dead Spot of the Wasted Plains if he's all dry and peely.

  16. We womenfolks need to put scissors to our dresses, and fashion them a la Betty and Wilma. Wonder where I can get a rock necklace to hold up my one-shoulder frock?