My DVR Doesn't Want Me to Watch American Idol

For two weeks now, my DVR has conspired against me. It has failed to record American Idol (the performance show). Last week, I had mistakenly decided it might be fun to record some episodes of Jon and Kate plus Eight. Who knew TLC played it all the goddamn time! So, it got AI got squeezed out by that and by the Dancing with the Stars results show.

This week, what with the basketball tournament, AI got squeezed out again. Survivor was moved to Wednesday, AI was moved to Wednesday, America's Next Top Model is already on at Wednesday. Why did it choose to ignore AI and record ANTM instead?

I'll tell you what, my reality TV schedule is brutal right now. I go for months with nothing but ANTM to watch (it's always on) and now, all of a sudden, all my favorites are on and now I have a backlog of TV to watch. It's actually starting to feel like work, trying to keep up. And last night, there was an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation on that featured one of my very favorite characters: Q and there was a Murder She Wrote episode that featured John DeLancie (who plays Q)! It created quite a nexus of TV joy for me, which actually helped heal the pain of missing AI.

So what's a girl to do? Read the instructions for the DVR (wherever they are) and figure out how to prioritize my recordings? Give up ANTM? Or DWTS? Or just chuck it all and go shopping with John DeLancie?

Oh, Tasty Schadenfreude!

Guess who's joined the ranks of celebrity apology-makers! It is Ty Pennington! He was arrested on drunken driving charges. Finally, this clean-cut, hunky do-gooder with quip package has tarnished his halo.

Not that I am against do-gooders. I just can't stomach all the "look at these unfortunate people and watch us change their lives for the better by spending millions of dollars on ridiculous construction projects when giving that kind of money to Habitat for Humanity would help so many more people but if we did that you couldn't see how wonderful we are being so we opt for the showy, yet much less effective, ta-dah! instead," bullshit he represents.

Extreme Home Makeover reminds me of the show "Bye Bye Birdie," where a rock star is drafted and his PR people decide that he'll symbolically kiss all the girls goodbye by picking one girl and kissing her on TV. It's a stunt that purposefully pushes certain buttons in people to coax out a specific emotion, i.e. an emotional lapdance. It also seems to exempt them from doing any real good in the world. ABC could learn a thing or two from Fox and Idol Gives Back.

Wisdom From Tom and Jerry

The kids and I were watching Tom and Jerry and Rily noticed that Jerry and Spike seemed like friends.

"Have you ever heard the saying 'the enemey of my enemy is my friend'?" I asked.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Well, Spike and Jerry are friends because they both don't like Tom; they have a common cause," I explained.

"More like a comedy cause," she said.

Later, when Tom and Jerry were fighting on a golf course, Riley observed this: "Rule number one in golf: Don't eat the golf ball."

SANJAYA MUST GO!!!

He has comitted a mortal sin in the eyes of yours truly; he sang "Waiting for the World to Change," the great and terrible slacker anthem. As I listened to this "performance," my blood ran cold; my mild distaste for this poor, wispy little person turned to icy hatred. I won't quote the lyrics in their entirity, lest you fall over dead from the overdose of holier-than-thou apathy dripping from the insidious lips of John Mayer. Steel yourself, here they come:

me and all my friends

we're all misunderstood

they say we stand for nothing and

there's no way we ever could

now we see everything that's going wrong

with the world and those who lead it

we just feel like we don't have the means

to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting

waiting on the world to change

we keep on waiting

waiting on the world to change

First of all, I must say, John Mayer is one passive-aggressive mutherfucker and has now replaced Mel Gibson as my new whipping boy. This song gives the youth of today an excuse for fiddling while Rome burns, in my opinion. After all, scorched earth is a changed world, right? And when everything is burned to the ground, these self-righteous do-nothings can say, "Hey, you never asked me what I thought; it ain't my fault." I also have issues with John Mayer driving me to use a phrase like "the youth of today," but more on him at a later date.

Secondly, the fact that Sanjaya sang this anthem to shrugging to his teeming hordes of tween speed-dialers, makes me crazy (you can't blame his success on the Vote for the Worst people either; their pick is Sundance Head). It is an obvious ploy to appeal to the young, priviledged girls of America, who are his base and can afford the "standard text messaging rates," and whose lithe manicured fingers never tire of dialing. By coupling his wispy swarthiness with pretend depth and angst, he doubles his exoticism by making him seem both worldly and world-weary, kryptonite to his voting bloc.

When I watched him sing this, I wanted to gnash my teeth, scratch at my face and raise my fists to the gods and shriek for vengeance, Elektra style. I knew this performance would guarantee him a final twelve spot. After I counted to what I could remember of 1-10, I returned to my senses; there are still plenty of other guys who can be sacrificed in the contest before Sanjaya. As long as Blake and Chris R. are safe, I will stay my righteous anger. Instead, I profer forth this plea to the privilidged parents of preteens everywhere:

Fathers be stern with your daughters;
Daughters will vote for this tool, yeah.
Girls become fans who turn dorks into stars,
So mothers be stern with your daughters, too.

Boys you can bet,
They aren't interested in this shit.
Boys will ignore, and boys will move on,
But boys will be doomed if they don't vote

For Melinda's good, good voice.

On behalf of every fan, searching for a real winner,
You are in charge! Cut off her cell phone.
On behalf of every fan who needs real talent to win,
You are the hope, and can put an end to this cornpone.

Fathers be stern with your daughters,
Daughters will vote for this tool, yeah.
Girls become fans who turn dorks into stars,

So mothers be stern with your daughters, too.

So mothers be stern with your daughters, too.

Beat Box Bliss

While I'm working on all the great suggestions my blogpals have given me for serious study and contemplation, I will share with you one reason why I will always watch American Idol, for moments like this:

Mint?

Hamish Macbeth: A Pure Like It!

I discovered Hamish Macbeth, a Police Constable in a small village in Scotland, at my local public library. I started listening to M.C. Beaton's books on tape that featured him as a main character. He's gruff individualist and a brilliant detective. He shuns credit for his work, lest he be transferred to the city, Inverness, and be forced to leave his comfortable country lifestyle, where there is little crime and plenty of fishing and camping. I've probably read a dozen or so of the Hamish Macbeth stories as well as Beaton's Agatha Raisin mysteries, which are also wonderful.

Last Saturday, I was delighted to discover that the BBC had made a TV series out of at least one of these characters. Hamish Macbeth, the show, is wonderful. It's full of great scenery, local color and compelling stories. One episode in particular, Wee Jock's Lament, was spooky and supernatural without breaking the bounds of believability. And Robert Carlyle is great in this show. I've sort have been luke-warm on his performances in the past, but he owns this role.

The story lines in the video do not seem to follow any of the books, but that is fine with me. This character is so well-defined and likeable that I welcome the new adventures. It seems that all of his quirks have been carried over to the show: his loyalty to his dog, his dead-on sense of right and wrong, his commitment to the village, his gentle treatment of the villagers, his bristling under the subordination of the detectives higher up the chain of command. It's yummy.

I hope that the library offers more than just season one. I don't think it ran for more than two or three years. My library has such an odd and eclectic set of DVD's to loan, including two copies of The Passion of the Christ (seriously, WTF?). And at my little branch, most of the movies are still on VHS format. So there is not much to choose from. But, bless them, they buy everything the BBC has to offer. And I'm there to gather them up and watch them for free. But when the pact ends, I'm buying all seasons of the Hamish Macbeth mysteries.

They're Back!

Bring it on.

Riley TV

Last night, Riley announced that she wanted to start her own TV network.

Riley: "...it will be called Riley TV."

Me: "What shows will be on it?"

Riley: "Spongebob, Jimmy Neutron, Fairly Odd Parents, Oobi...and that show with Michelle..."

Me: "You mean Full House?"

Riley: "Yeah, that one!"

Me: "It kind of sounds like Nickelodeon..."

Riley: "...and Nick Jr."

Me: "And Noggin..."

Riley: "Yeah, but it will be called Riley at Night and will have only the shows I like."

Me: "Sounds good to me!"

Fallen Idol: Epic Love Story or Brilliant Publicity Stunt?

Lately, I've been rallying behind love. So I must admit that I watched Fallen Idol from that perspective. But I did find a place to draw a line in the sand and walk away to stand behind the innocent.

In 50 words or less: Paula Abdul uses her charms and powers as a judge to cut her a stallion out of the corral and groom him to take first place. Long story short, to quote Barry Manilow, they fell in love. Well, he fell in love. When he was dropped like a ton of rotting meat (tm Big Orange) by American Idol on a technicality, he was also dropped thusly by Paula.

Until he leaked the story, he heard nothing from her. Now, all of a sudden, she's on his ass like underoos, promising record deals if he keeps quiet. To Corey, it's now about revenge. He has produced an album that John Cusak would proudly seranade some brainy waif about how much Paula has wrecked his life.

The question remains, did Paula ever love him? If she did, then we can explain her behavior recently as the extremely scared and lovelorn reactions of a human who made some mistakes to try to salvage her career and reputation. If she never loved him, she's the cold-hearted snake she warned us of in the 80's. What got me was Corey's Mom's reaction to reading his lyrics about his ordeal. His Mom called Paula on her actions and told her to grow up.

Either way, Paula Abdul has reacted poorly and has done some damage to the competition by misusing her power and then making herself scarce when the shit hit the fan. Even though he was an adult, he was 18 years her junior. He was just another little puppy in her brood.

Or...

Paula and Corey are in on the biggest publicity stunt American Idol has ever pulled. Come with me as we go back in time to a brainstorming session at 19E.

Suit 1: Scandal kind of works for this show, don't you think?
Suit 2: Brilliant!

And the above story is the product of a target market survey of people like me who hate themselves for watching but just can't turn away. The best part of this show for me is conspiracy hunting. What a better way to increase your ratings, if your looking down the road, than to plan a plotline that would stretch across three seasons and would be too delicious to ignore?

This week American Idol will be on or covered for over 6 hours on two networks. Not to mention,Reported on by local affiliates and other media outlets too numerous to contemplate. My local news station WEWS News Channel 5, not only covered the story and covered Primetime Live's coverage of the story, but they are also covering people's reaction to the news!

Fox is laughing all the way to the bank. You know they have a piece of Corey Clark and whatever he makes (well, I don't know that, but I have my suspicions...and this lovely foil hat). If this is a publicity stunt, I tip my foil hat at you bastards; I'm your bitch. If it's just the unhappy luck of being the hottest topic in the country; I'm not so much as "your bitch" but more like ruefully respectful. Either way, I know I'm going to have something to talk about for weeks to come.

I do hope, though, after discussing it with Madame E, that Paula did love him. And that when they throw her off the show, the producers give her a shitload of cash, a record deal and that she rides off into the sunset with Corey Clark and they have beautiful babies together.

Perhaps, I should get a life.

Hawkeye Pierce Saves Lucy's Life!

Last night, my husband, two daughters and I were in our living room having a snack of Tostito's Gold tortilla chips. If you haven't had these chips, they are just like regular tortilla chips, except a bit thicker. When we are having snacks together, Shawn and I like to keep a close eye on Lucy. She is only 13 months old and while she has front teeth and is good at biting, she doesn't have any back teeth for grinding food. So, she was seated in between the two of us. Riley, being three years old, has a full set of choppers (pretty much) and we are past worrying that she has any trouble eating.

Anyway, at one point, Lucy begins coughing, her face turns red, and her eyes tear up. I realized at once that she had a chip lodged in her throat. In a panic, I picked her up and then laid her face down across my lap and gave her stomach a quick squeeze. When nothing happened, I recalled way back to when I had just given birth to Riley and they made us watch a first aid video that explained what to do when an infant begins to choke. A little "ding" sounded in my head when I remembered that I must clear her mouth first.

While she was on her stomach, I reached into her mouth with my left index finger, which very quickly not only touched the menacing chip, but also very quickly brushed the back of her throat. I realized that Lucy was not choking as she was still coughing and crying, but she couldn't dislodge the chip either and I told myself that I had one more chance to get it out.

I felt instant calm as I channeled Captain Hawkeye Pierce, whom I have seen work wonders under pressure. All of a sudden, Lucy became an anatomy chart and working model. And I felt the CSI TMICam lurch me right into Lucy's mouth and throat; I saw, up close, her tongue, tonsils, the roof of her mouth, the back of her throat, her uvula, the saliva, and that dastardly chip. I summoned all of the cool and know-how Hawkeye had to offer, reached my left index finger in her mouth again, placed my finger on the offending foodstuff and pressed it down on her tongue, using all the friction my fingerprints had to offer so that I could snag it and drag it to the front of her mouth. Once I had it close enough, I pinched it with my thumb and forefinger and removed it completely.

I was instantly transported back to the couch and Hawkeye gave me a little departing wave as he returned control of my hands back to me. I was left shaken by what had happened and amazed by the fact that, when push came to shove, I was able to function calmly under the pressure of knowing Lucy's life was in my hands. I looked down at Lucy, who was surprised to have a suddenly cleared breathing passage. She stopped crying, looked around, located the bag of chips, and dove in for another one.

Random McNuggets

It's weird; I usually have a running opinion/commentary on life but I'm sitting here scratching my head wondering what to write about. Plenty happened at work this week, but I won't write about work here because it is not whimsical. I guess this will just happen to be a post that captures the little things from this week. And I'll do it in another color.

Random McNugget 1:
I have decide who will be eliminated in the next five weeks of American Idol and who will ultimately win:

• Next week: Carrie will leave.
• Then, Vonzell
• Then, Constantine
• Then, Scott
• Then, Anthony
• Leaving Bo as your next American Idol.

These are not just random offerings, there is a system that I have that is based on fanbases and the individual singing styles of the remaining contestants.

Random McNugget 2

Riley had fun dancing to Rossini's overtures last night. She is now interested in ballet and dance (even Hip Hop!) thanks to Zoe's Amazing Dance Moves video, featuring Paula Abdul. She even let me put her hair up, which is an unbelievable accomplishment.

Random McNugget 3

Lucy said Ta-da! after she did something that amused herself the other day. Very cute. She is also saying hello, as well as uh-oh, no, yum yum. I can't wait til she starts conversing in earnest. She also does this cute babbling that sounds something like "doodle doodle doodle doodle" but is more precise and cute.

Random McNugget 4

The other night, I was compelled to giggle at the current state of Shawn's hair. At first he didn't know why I was giggling, but I just explained that he needs a haircut. It just looked so comical, but in a cute and endearing way. It was sticking up in little curly horns all over his head. So the next day he went to get it cut. The lady asked him if he was getting it cut for the summer, and he said, that his wife was teasing him about it. She said, "Well, at least she's still looking." He replied, "Yeah, that's why I'm here." Aww. This small anecdote just warmed my heart. He's a keeper.

Random McNugget 5

My friend Elaine and I went to lunch at Becky's yesterday. It was wonderful and relaxing. I enjoyed it so much, I convinced my friend Martha to join me and we went back today. It's looks like a dive on the outside, but inside it has hardwood floors a raised dining area, a nice bar and the best food evah! Martha and I were so hungry and the service was very slow. After awhile, the waitress brought a plate of homemade chips to our table so that we could hold body and soul together until our food arrived. It was a nice escape from the workplace on such a hectic week.

TGIF and TTFN.

Greenpearl out.