Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I'm Feeling Psychic Today

Anyone care for a reading? Leave your queries in the comments. I shall then consult the spirits on the other side and lend you their guidance. Their beacons of wisdom shall hit me in the forehead and awaken my vocabulary. I shall unleash their knowledge in the public park of this blog. I will try to pick up their psychic poop and dispose of it appropriately.

33 comments:

  1. There was a Chicago Colonic Institute not too far from my house. I'm not making this up.

    I never visited them.

    Also not far away, just down the street from Wrigley Field is the Illinois Cremation Society. I can only imagine the discussions at their meetings.

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  2. Will this breakout on my face clear up in time for Friday?

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  3. Am I really pregnant or just fat?

    When will the baby arrive?

    Should I finish vacuuming the house?

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  4. Why are people so dumb?

    Will my new classroom be anything like it was in the dream I had last nite?

    Are things getting better or are they getting worse?

    Explain Genesis 19 to me, please, and post the comments on MY blog.

    What should we have for dinner, potatoes or stuffing?

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  5. BTW, it's enterprising that you're selling phone cards, too!! Good thinking!

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  6. Johnny Yen: According to my spirit guides, the folks at the Illinois Cremation Society discuss cremation, cremains, pricing, parking, scattering techniques and locales, and those pussy morticians and their uneccessary embalming fluid.

    K.I.D.: Most definately.

    Tanya Espanya: Girlfriend, you are pregnant and I don't need my psychic friends to help me with this one.

    The baby will arrive June 7.

    Do not, under any circumstances, vacuum the house! You will end up stubbing your toe or barking your shin. It's not worth it. Have some pudding and take a nap.

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  7. Big Orange:

    Q: Why are people so dumb?

    A: A suffusion of yellow

    Q: Will my new classroom be anything like it was in the dream I had last nite?

    A: No.

    Q: Are things getting better or are they getting worse?

    A: Stuff's getting better, stuff's getting better all the time.

    Q: Explain Genesis 19 to me, please, and post the comments on MY blog.

    A: If I have to explain it, then it won't be as funny.

    A: What should we have for dinner, potatoes or stuffing?

    B: Ramen.

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  8. What will I find in my mailbox when I get home?

    Did I turn the oven off before I left for work?

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  9. Chris:

    Q: What will I find in my mailbox when I get home?

    A: Two bills and a Home Depot flier.

    Q: Did I turn the oven off before I left for work?

    A: You didn't use your oven this morning.

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  10. Flannery! I didn't check this in time and I finished vacuuming, AND washed the kitchen floor.

    The baby can arrive any time after June 4 (that's when my mum comes back from catching my brother's new baby, in Spain). We're under strict orders to wait until then.

    But tonight I'm going out for Indian and then a comedy club so we'll see what happens.

    :)

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  11. Will the Cleveland Browns ever win a Super Bowl?

    that's all I really want to know...

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  12. Flannery, sorry I am late to ask, but I just have to know!

    When snow melts, where does the white go???

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  13. Should I start work on the June issue author corrections, or go out for ice cream?

    Why is it so damn hot?

    If I placed an order with macmall on Monday and paid for overnight shipping, when should I expect my items to arrive?

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  14. Genn6:

    Q: Will the Cleveland Browns ever win a Super Bowl?

    A: No.

    Skyler's Dad:

    Q: When snow melts, where does the white go???

    A: To the suburbs.

    Deadspot:

    Q: Should I start work on the June issue author corrections, or go out for ice cream?

    A: Attend to your work...an ice cream surplus is in your future and you won't want to overdo it today.

    Q: Why is it so damn hot?

    A: We are closer to the sun than we were last month. And the sun is hot. In fact the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace. Where hydrogen is built into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees.

    Q: If I placed an order with macmall on Monday and paid for overnight shipping, when should I expect my items to arrive?

    A: Thursday.

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  15. Will I ever meet that tall, dark, handsome stranger? Will I inherit a large sum of money from a rich relative I've never heard of? Is there really a basement in the Alamo? Please answer quickly, Comcast is charging me 99 cents a minute for this.

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  16. Beckeye:

    Q. Will I ever meet that tall, dark, handsome stranger?

    A: You will meet a tall, blonde, cute guy and fall madly in love...this July. His name is Kevin. He hums when he eats, though, which might be a problem.

    Q: Will I inherit a large sum of money from a rich relative I've never heard of?

    A: No.

    Q: Is there really a basement in the Alamo?

    A: No.

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  17. Oh Great and Wise Flannery, when I say that I'm never getting married again, do I really mean it this time?

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  18. Go Vikki!

    heheehe!! The white goes to th' suburbs!! hehehehehe!!

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  19. Will I ever get laid?

    Does he like me for my mind or just my body?

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  20. Will I ever lose weight?

    Will I complete the half marathon that I want to?

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  21. Boob Lady:

    Q: Will I ever get laid?

    A: Yes...August 4th.

    Q: Does he like me for my mind or just my body?

    A: For both.

    Amy:

    Q: Will I ever lose weight?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Will I complete the half marathon that I want to?

    A: You will complete it and come in 7th place. Although you will vomit twice, you will mangage to keep it out of your hair and you will miss your shoes.

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  22. Will I have to wish you a happy birthday today?

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  23. Flannery, why can't people use The Magic Handle and flush the goddamn toilet?? Is it THAT complicated??

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  24. Chris:

    Q: Will I have to wish you a happy birthday today?

    A: Yes.

    Deadspot:

    Q: Wrong! It's Thursd... Howdyoudodat?

    A: I'm psychic.

    10,000 Spoons:

    Q: Flannery, why can't people use The Magic Handle and flush the goddamn toilet?? Is it THAT complicated??

    A: It's not that complicated, maybe she's trying to hide the fact that the toilet is broken.

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  25. Will I be successful in life or will I be reduced to selling fortunes and taking phone company's advertisements in the window to pay rent? Oh wait, sorry about that.

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  26. If I started asking questions, we'd be here all night.

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  27. Apart from my obsession with video games and procrastination, why have I not been commenting as much lately?

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  28. Elizabeth: You already know what the future holds.

    Dale:

    Q: Apart from my obsession with video games and procrastination, why have I not been commenting as much lately?

    A: Too much bunny-hopping in the rain.

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  29. Amazing post Flannery, I almost peed myself reading all the answers.. Thanks!!

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