Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Uncle Ralph Chimes In: Life Metaphors

Son, sit down and let me tell you about life. Life is just a game of Minesweeper. You ever played that game? Yeah, I bet you have; you look like the type. Do you know that I've played that game 872 times on Expert and I've only won one time?!? And you know it's only like life if you play it on Expert. Don't give me any of that "beginner" or "intermediate" crap. That's not life. That's TV.

You set yourself down sometime and you start that game up and pick the expert level. And I want you to pay attention to what happens. You see, most games are winnable. Those guys that make games want you to win so you'll buy more of their stuff. You win all the time, you piss all your money away. Just look at that MC Hammer fella if you want proof. But this game was designed by someone who knew shit from shinola. Also? He got a contract with Microsoft to include it on all their shitty software. Why should he even bother creating another game for the rest of his life? He's in the promised land, sport.

So, when you play on expert, you have to start out with an absolute guess as to what the right move is. You could click on one of those 999 boxes and BAM! Game over. Or you could get lucky and open up a dozen or two free spaces. And this is just like life. You take that first step out on your own and you either pop on a clear spot and see the way forward or blow your goddamn foot off. And you know what else? And this is the most important lesson: You're gonna lose. No matter what. So get used to the idea, Johnny.


  1. I'm with Dr. M. I hope the Uncle Ralph series becomes a regular feature.

  2. Does Uncle Ralph put Minesweeper on pause while he tends to his irritable bowel?

  3. Uncle Ralph loves you all back and shall return.

    And SD, Uncle Ralph says: you've got to pause the game of life/minesweeper every now and then and have a good shit.

  4. Oh... Your Uncle Ralph returned, awl-right... He popped on o'er @ Social Zumurgy for a few brews...