Pact Crack

I'm starting to feel the strain of The Pact. It's been a couple of months now and I'm starting to get seriously bummed out. The other night, I was looking for something to watch that I hadn't seen in a while and everything seemed like something I was sick of. Even DVD's we have that I haven't even watched! I can't stand to look at them. There is something wrong with me.

Please don't get the impression that I'm some sort of Couch Potato DVD Junkie. Although that is my secret aspiration. But somehow, when that goal glimmers in my mind, my inner Puritan grasps the nearest old-timey farm implement and pounds it into the ground. Anyway, I'm really kind of stuck. Part of my unwinding ritual involves listening to an innocuous TV show or movie as I drift off to sleep. Having something to listen to other than the thoughts in my head helps me stop worring and start sleeping. It's a crutch, I'll admit, but I go with what works. I'm too tired to risk getting insomnia while trying new techniques to fall asleep the "right" way.

So, since it's summer, the TV schedule is full of reruns and my DVR is overfull with shows I've already seen or full of shows that are too actiony to relax while watching. Combine them with my new found hostility towards our DVD collection, I'm in quite a pickle.

As a result, I've been turning away from the TV. I've taken to playing Bookworm to pass the small amount of me-time late in the evenings. By the way, that link to Bookworm will take you right to the game itself. Try it at your peril; it is addictive. It is also a bit stressful. So rather than calming down, unwinding and letting my mind wander right before bed, as is what happens when I pop in a M*A*S*H DVD, I'm going to bed tense and with my mind in a highly active mode.

Anyone who has ever experienced insomnia will agree with me, I think, that I must find some other way to prepare for sleep. I could have a glass of wine, or hop in the hot tub, or have a relaxing chat with my husband, or read, or do all of the above. I probably should give them a try. But, please indulge me and take a look at my schedule for a moment:

• 6:00 a.m. (give or take 15 minutes) Wake up and get ready for work.
• 6:30 a.m. (give or take 30 minutes) Get into car and drive 58 miles to work.
• 7:45 a.m. (Give or take 45 minutes) Begin work.
• 5:00 p.m. (plus 30-60 minutes, if my boss is in at the end of the day) Drive home.
• 6:30 p.m. (plus 30-60 minutes) Arrive at home and play with the girls (Doc usually gets his me-time then).
• 8:30 p.m. (give or take 30-60 minutes) Begin the bedtime routine.
• 9:00 p.m. (on a good bedtime night). My me-time.
• 11:00 p.m. My eyes must be shut and I must be asleep, otherwise, I won't get the recommended 7 hours of sleep.

I share my schedule, not only to whine...OK, I feel like I need to whine a little...but also to show what my day looks like. By 9:00 p.m., I'm not ready for bed, but I'm also not really ready to engage in winsome conversation with my lovely husband in our new hot tub, while quoting from the latest best-selling book and balancing a glass of Riesling in my manicured hand. By this time of day, my brain is pretty much devolved into zombie status. I suppose I could try, though, to become a dazzling socialite after dark. It actually sounds like fun. But I'm gonna need that wine.

Also, the summer has turned my routine upside down. My kids are going to bed later because that darned sun stays out so long. I'm too tired to make wise choices about how to spend my me-time. So, the result is: my ass is dragging and my defenses are down. I haven't had a good night sleep in at least a couple of weeks.

Therefore, I became susceptible to the suggestion that maybe the pact is too tough. As I often do, I was talking to Big Orange on the phone on my commute home. It went a little bit like this:

BO: Why don't you get some DVD's from the library?

Me: I'm terrible at getting things back on time. I don't want to pay late fees.

BO: It's too bad your library doesn't have email notices to tell you when things are due...

Me: No, they do have them. In fact I've been getting better about renewing and returning my books. No late fines as of yet.

BO: Well, then, since you can renew online and you get email notices when things are due, perhaps you could get DVD's at the library. If they ain't late, then you don't pay any money, and isn't that the point of The Pact in the first place?

Me: I must be starting to crack; you're making sense. I can feel myself weakening.

BO: It's seems within the Rules of the Pact...

Me: I'll check with Doc.

Well, I haven't had the chance to check with Doc yet; I've been too busy playing Bookworm. But I plan to run it by him soon. It might be nice as a "reward" for good behavior. Afterall, I haven't had to pay fees since I joined the library a few months ago. I've disciplined myself to get those books back on time or renew them online. Maybe we could try it. Also, Doc's been good too. In fact, he's been tougher than I have with regard to enforcing The Pact. I'm almost afraid to bring it up, lest I appear weak. Am I crazy?

What do you think?