News For Spiritual Seekers: Zeus Is The New Black

According to Yahoo! News, Zeus and Company are making a comeback. Apparently, this new religion is gaining in numbers; like the Never Nudes, there are dozens of them, Dozens! They are mostly religious scholars and other nerds who plan to conduct a ceremony to honor the big 12 at an 1,800 year old temple to Zeus. They are, of course, being blocked by the Greek government who wish to protect ancient sites. But the Greek government is not full of anti-pagan nay-sayers; they actually recognized this religion as official last year. It's adherents are permitted to marry people and that sort of thing.

Sadly, though, this tiny tribe of followers of the Big 12 Greek gods have already broken into two opposing sects. And they can't even decide what to call themselves, either Ellinais, or Hellenic Religion. I'm not too sure which gods are the Big 12, according to these folks. However, thanks to Wikipedia, we can gather some idea. Here is a list of the usual suspects:

1. Zeus, the CEO, Ruler of Mt. Olympus, god of the sky
2. Hera, wife of Zeus, the goddess Queen of the heavens and stars, of marriage and fidelity
3. Poseidon, god of the sea, rivers, and springs, floods and earthquakes
4. Ares, god of offensive war and slaughter
5. Hermes, god of guidance, travelers, commerce, inventions, oratory, shepherds, consolation and reunions, athletics, patron of thieves, and messenger of the Gods.
6. Hephaestus, god of fire, workmanship, artisans and weaponry and the craftsman of the gods.
7. Aphrodite, goddess of love, sexuality, outer beauty and attraction.
8. Athena, goddess of wisdom, the crafts (especially weaving, pottery and carpentry), inner beauty, education and defensive war.
9. Apollo, god of prophesy, light, music, healing, disease and medicine and archery
10. Artemis, goddess of the hunt, animals, wilderness and the protector of young girls.

Those ten are for sure in the Top Twelve and here is a list of rotating alternates, for those of you keeping score at home:

1. Heracles, god protector of man from evil and of heroic endeavour (after his elevation to godhood).
2. Hebe, goddess of youth and brides
3. Helios, god of the sun, brother of the moon, Selene, and the dawn Eos.
4. Hestia, goddess of the home, family and the hearth.
5. Demeter, goddess of the fertile earth and agriculture. Her bounty sustains mankind.
6. Doinysus, youngest of the Olympians, and god of wine, vegetation, fertility and the theater. He alternates with Hestia in ancient lists of the twelve Olympians. Some scholars do not count Dionysus among the Olympian gods because though he is the son of Zeus, his mother was a mortal.
7. Hades, god king of the third portion of the universe, the dark gloomy underworld, home of the dead.
8. Persephone, goddess queen of the underworld, death, and spring renewal.

Apparently, 20 out of a total of 34 adherents of this old school religion were successful in holding their festival next to (not in) the Temple of Zeus with little fuss and ado. They are demanding world peace and education for everyone, noble goals to be sure. I wonder, though, if their pleas for world peace will piss off the likes of Ares. I'm not sure how they will reconcile that little detail. However, dogma has been squished and smeared and pressed into logical boxes to be filed away for years and years by many other religions, so I suppose it's possible here too. But, if I recall my Homer and Hesiod correctly, these particular gods are pretty touchy about being ignored or dishonored. I fear for these 34 people that they may be smote down by a revived god of offensive war and slaughter. Perhaps, they will get lucky and this new Ares will emerge as a more PC type and he will represent the god of offensive war on terror, drugs, and poverty as well as the god of the slaughter of racism. Let's keep our fingers crossed that Ares will just be so glad to be revived that he won't want to be the god of offensive war, in the traditional sense of the word.

If the threat of being punished by the god of offensive war is not enough to put the combined panties of these sincere followers of Zeus and company in a wad, what about the wrath of the Greek Orthodox Church? This is an organization that, for sure, has no interest in seeing the revival of the ancient pagan religion. They've already crushed it once, after all. So far, the Greek Orthodox Church's first move is to frown disapprovingly at them. But, I gather, they are slow to anger these days. I'll keep an eye on the matter and let you know when the stonings/burning at the stake/ostracizations occur.

My question for the followers of the big 12 is this: Why revive such a complicated system of beliefs? Rather than having one god in three parts watching everything you're doing, you've got up to 18 various gods on your ass at any given time. I mean, these gods almost outnumber your membership! Besides, what about all that sacrificing? It is time consuming, expensive and messy. If you're a lady, you have to worry about being a target of Zeus' wandering eye. The next thing you know, you're saddled with a child like Achilles, who was more than a handful, let me tell you. You always have to watch what you say, as these gods are touchy and vengeful. Instead of confessing your sins and getting absolution, they'd just as soon tie you to a rock out at see and let the gulls poke your eyes out. Or they may make you push a boulder up and down a hill over and over again in aeternum. It just doesn't seem like it's worth it, to me.

I think I might know what is behind the move to revive this old time religion. The followers are a group of scholars. They love their history. They love it so much, they want to relive it. They are the Greek equivalent of Civil War Reinactors and members of such institutions as the Society for the Creative Anachronism. That the state has recognized them as an authentic religion has added fuel to their passion to live what they've learned, regardless of how inappropriate, ill-fitting or inconvenient it might be. Don't get me wrong, I love that they are doing this. I myself was a member of the Society for the Creative Anachronism. I was almost engulfed by the Trekker sub-culture. I empathize greatly. As a student of ancient history, I admire their willingness to go for the gold, so to speak, and represent ancient religion.

However, having read many of the classics that had these gods as characters, I never not once had any inclination to live during these time, either Greek or Roman. I always found the gods to be petty, head-strong and selfish. They were cruel. They were the personification of all things not human. They treated people as playthings in a giant game of revenge against each other. I personally, am glad to have a more simplified faith with a forgiving god. I appreciate the judeo-christian god's laissez faire attitude toward humanity. I like have the opportunity to fuck up my life, ask forgiveness and be given a clean slate to try again. I've really got too much on my plate as it is to worry so much about offending this god or that. I probably couldn't keep up with the sacrifice schedule. And toga? No-ga.

So, while I wish these folks well on their quest to revive the inhabitants of Mt. Olympus, I also kind of hope they fail. After all, don't we have enough monsters in this world already?