Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Uncle Ralph Chimes In: I'd Like to Invite You to SHUT UP!

I'm just sitting here on this park bench, feeding the squirrels, despite what the sign says. Why can't we feed stale bread to park critters anymore? Who decided that? How else am I going to see wildlife up close and personal without dropping sixty bucks at the zoo?!? To hell with those uppity park rangers and their goddamn non-interference policy. This is not Star Trek, chief.

But I digress...

I enjoy my community park. I like to feed the squirrels and ducks. I like to hear children playing from a distance. What I don't like to hear is your big yap flapping in the wind on your cellular phone! I don't care that the person on the other end of the satellite needs your advice. I'm sure he's already up to his asshole in advice, what with all the wiki this and google that! So you can take that loud voice and sanctimony and find yourself a cone of goddamn silence, which we used to call a "phone booth."

You see, sunshine, in my day, people had discretion. If they had personal business to discuss, they'd take into another room and shut the damn door. If they had a personal call to make and they were out in public, they'd find a booth and fold themselves into it. Hell, they'd even turn their backs away from the window so we didn't even have to read their lips. It was private, Jack! And that's the way I like it.

So get out of here and sit in your car, if you're going to fling your dirty laundry all over my park or I'll kick your blue tooth out!


  1. I am standing and applauding Uncle Ralph.

  2. Uncle Ralph may qualify for a grant to go back to school!

  3. Andy Rooney can suck a tail pipe! I'm going to raise my kids right and teach 'em how to be just like Uncle Ralph!

    This is just the thing that needs taught in public schools!


  4. SD: Uncle Ralph takes a bow...

    BeckEye: That's true! You busted me...

    Thank you, Doc. I hope this made you laugh. I think you could do with a good chuckle...

  5. It's only because Katrocket did a post about how out of place that guy looks in those ads, and now I seem to see his face everywhere. He's like a mini-Internet sensation.