Our First Movie

Co-written by Doc

Doc turned to me tonight and said, "I got us a movie."

"What?!?" I grasped my pearls in horror. "You didn't!"

"I did," he smirked, "I found it in our house!"

"...", I said.

"The spa care video!" he exlaimed, delighted.

Relief washed over me. I had just spent the last 24 hours defending my decision to quit buying, renting, and seeing movies to all my alarmed friends. I was fully planning on sticking to my guns on this and to have my compadre fold on me was quite a shock. I got over it soon enough and steeled myself.

"OK, let's watch." I said as he popped the tape in.

Doc had already seen the video and promised we'd be enjoying some vintage cheese. Well let me say this, Doc delivered on his promise. Our spa, a Rendezvous spa, by the way, turns out to be quite a needy little princess. Thank goodness it's already set up or I might have turned it into a planter. When setting up a hot tub, we discovered, you must set aside at least 5 hours in order to "fine tune" the chemicals.

Ah, the chemicals. A majority of this picture was comprised of a chemistry lesson, thanks to a "Great Lakes Biochemical Company" in an uncredited appearance. I swear, my mind seized up at the first diagram of molecules in action. But, no matter! We'll just get us a big old bottle of Ph Magic! A product which the Renezvous Corporation gladly provides at our local professional spa dealer.

Another product we may pick up at ye olde spa shoppe is what I can only imagine is called Sparoma, scented liquid you dump in the tub to enhance our experience. The narrator informed us of the many scents we can enjoy while we're in our new hot tub, on of them being San Moritz Sun...Oooookaaaay. We watched a disembodied hand dump what looked like watered down shampoo into a palm bestroon hot tub.

"Look," I said, "See how it smells?"

"It's oil free!" Doc added.

Threaded throughout the narrative was this message: Now that you have a hot tub, you get a new casual lifestyle, no extra charge! Apparently, there's a "hot tub lifestyle" of which we are now members. If the cast of this movie (overheard saying "okeedoke") are representative of this previously unknown subculture, Doc and I agreed: we wanted no part of it.

The narrator gave this film the tone and timbre of a 50's hygene short. He was warning us to do what he says and buy what he recommends. Don't be like Hot Tub Scum Larry, who never shocks his tub! Be like Hot Tub Honey, who obsessively checks the chemical levels of the water while rubbing down the finish with a special Rendezvous poof, therefore ensuring your hot tub investment pays off! Lord help me, now a hut tub is an investment? I suppose it's better than playing the lottery.

At the end of the movie, I was totally depressed. The amount of work involved seemed overwhelming, having just got home from work at 9:00 p.m. One more thing I have to see to. I looked over at Doc who seemed to sense my morale taking a nose dive.

"That's a heckuva lot of work we've got to do," I said.

"Well, it's not so bad. I was looking at the panel on the hot tub today. It had a big fat button that said 'clean' on it, so I pushed it and put the cover back on it. No sweat."