Face Melter

Thank you, Barbie Guitar, for truly melting my face and causing my brain to misfire. Your combination microphone/built-in amp creates feedback that only Yoko Ono would dearly covet. Your interminable fuzzy playback of "Survivor" by Destiny's Child has nearly killed my love for that song. Seriously, I've never gone from mildly irritated to balls-to-the-wall migrane this fast.

Without you, Barbie Guitar, I would have no reason to take Xanax.

Thanks. No really, I mean it.