Friday, August 29, 2008

Why not have some fun when you’re sick?

I’ve been trying to embrace my recent illness and I came up with an idea to exploit the entertaining aspects of the cold virus. Here are a few suggestions for turning this bug into a barrel of monkeys:
  • Create an independent film based on your fever dreams. For example, I dreamt that I was supposed to pick a friend up at the McDonald’s parking lot, but road raged idiots blocked my access to the driveway, so I had to park across the street at ramshackle strip mall that once housed a Gold Circle but now (in my dreams) it was a fly-by-night horror house. I parked Mr. Lawrence and got out. I wandered among the Goths who were there to view the scariest display in history. I got mixed up in the crowd and ended up in the lobby where this event was about to happen. The lobby had black walls and gray office carpeting. There were gray chairs with silver legs scattered about. Long black and white posters of Tor and Arte Johnson hung artfully around. I kept getting jostled to the entrance, but I was able to successfully avoid getting drawn in.

    Eventually, I got out of the horror place and back out into the parking lot. I tried to find my car, but it had been stolen. My phone was dead and I couldn’t take pictures of my uncle’s girlfriend because my camera wasn’t responding normally. I would push the button to snap the picture and the side of the camera would drop down and hang from a hinge. There was all of this impending doom with no pay off, all the ingredients for a critically acclaimed independent film.
  • Employ selective hearing tactics and only hear what you want to hear. Claim later that your ears were clogged
  • Drink NyQuil ‘til you see dwarves
  • Take advantage of your raspy voice to win the karaoke contest at the local Holiday Inn. Here are some song suggestions:
    o Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart
    o Old Time Rock and Roll
    o Black Velvet
    o You Are So Beautiful To Me
  • Create papier mache sculptures with used Kleenex
  • Take bets on how many hot peppers you can eat. Because you can’t taste anything, you’ll win. Also, your sinuses may start to clear up
  • Rest often, testing the sleepability of common surfaces like your keyboard, a park bench, a stranger on a bus, the various floors in your house. Create a report and present it to a liberal think tank and get grant funding for a sleep study.

Any other ideas?


  1. Collect all of those tissues and weigh them all at the end of your cold. report back to us on total phlegm weight loss!

    Write a weight loss book, go on Today show and make millions!!

  2. I'd recommend the Nyquil thing even if you're NOT sick.

  3. You mean, the only place I can get a poster of Arte Johnson is in your dreams?!

  4. SD: Done and done

    Chris: I'll keep that in mind. Do you recommend Cherry or Green Death flavor?

    Spooky: I KNEW you would mention the Arte Johnson poster!

  5. Dude, you get the sickies quite a bit! Next post: who plays you in the film?

  6. I'd watch that movie for sure but only if you were in it.

  7. Genn: It will be me because I can refuse Dale nothing. Plus many independent films have the director/writer/caterer as the star.

    Dale: Your wish is my command.

  8. wait, wasn't Gold Circle ORIGINALLY horror house??